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1 year ago
Jandalf
That would show everyone. Here's me showing you.Imagine.
Here are five humorous things a drunken Tolkien could retcon and ruin about "Lord of the Rings":
"Gandalf's Secret Disco Past": In a drunken stupor, Tolkien decides that Gandalf wasn't just a wizard—he was also a disco enthusiast in his younger days. Picture Gandalf busting out some funky dance moves in the depths of Moria, complete with a glittering disco ball and a soundtrack of Bee Gees hits.
"Sauron's Fashion Makeover": Forget the dark, menacing armor—Sauron gets a makeover courtesy of a tipsy Tolkien. Now, he's sporting a bedazzled cape, sequined eye patch, and a collection of trendy accessories straight out of a Middle-earth fashion magazine.
"Frodo's Midlife Crisis": Tolkien decides that Frodo's journey to destroy the One Ring wasn't just about saving Middle-earth—it was also his way of coping with a midlife crisis. Cue Frodo trading in his hobbit hole for a convertible wagon and embarking on a quest for self-discovery (and maybe a few magic mushrooms).
"Samwise the Secret Gourmet Chef": According to drunk Tolkien, Samwise Gamgee wasn't just a loyal friend and gardener—he was also a culinary genius. Imagine Sam whipping up gourmet meals in the heart of Mordor, using only the finest ingredients scavenged from orc camps and lava pits.
"The Great Hobbit Rave of the Third Age": Tolkien decides that the Battle of Five Armies wasn't fought over treasure—it was actually a massive hobbit rave gone wrong. Picture Bilbo Baggins and his merry band of dwarves dropping beats and throwing shapes in the Lonely Mountain, while elves and orcs join in for an epic dance-off to determine the fate of Erebor.
Here are five humorous things a drunken Tolkien could retcon and ruin about "Lord of the Rings":
"Gandalf's Secret Disco Past": In a drunken stupor, Tolkien decides that Gandalf wasn't just a wizard—he was also a disco enthusiast in his younger days. Picture Gandalf busting out some funky dance moves in the depths of Moria, complete with a glittering disco ball and a soundtrack of Bee Gees hits.
"Sauron's Fashion Makeover": Forget the dark, menacing armor—Sauron gets a makeover courtesy of a tipsy Tolkien. Now, he's sporting a bedazzled cape, sequined eye patch, and a collection of trendy accessories straight out of a Middle-earth fashion magazine.
"Frodo's Midlife Crisis": Tolkien decides that Frodo's journey to destroy the One Ring wasn't just about saving Middle-earth—it was also his way of coping with a midlife crisis. Cue Frodo trading in his hobbit hole for a convertible wagon and embarking on a quest for self-discovery (and maybe a few magic mushrooms).
"Samwise the Secret Gourmet Chef": According to drunk Tolkien, Samwise Gamgee wasn't just a loyal friend and gardener—he was also a culinary genius. Imagine Sam whipping up gourmet meals in the heart of Mordor, using only the finest ingredients scavenged from orc camps and lava pits.
"The Great Hobbit Rave of the Third Age": Tolkien decides that the Battle of Five Armies wasn't fought over treasure—it was actually a massive hobbit rave gone wrong. Picture Bilbo Baggins and his merry band of dwarves dropping beats and throwing shapes in the Lonely Mountain, while elves and orcs join in for an epic dance-off to determine the fate of Erebor.
1 year ago
Brilliant advice
Even a broken clock is right twice per day. If you're an immoral sociopath here are some funny ways to have memorable sex:
The "Snake Charmer" Technique: Convince your partner that playing a game of "truth or dare" is the ultimate foreplay. Just make sure all the dares involve various forms of bedroom activities, and watch as the game escalates into a wild night of passion.
The "Emotional Manipulation" Method: Pretend to be a character from a romantic novel or movie, complete with melodramatic speeches and intense declarations of love. Your partner won't know whether to swoon or laugh, but either way, it's sure to be a memorable experience.
The "Reverse Psychology" Strategy: Tell your partner that you're not interested in sex at all and watch as they try to seduce you with increasingly creative tactics. Little do they know, you're secretly enjoying the game of cat and mouse.
The "Psychological Warfare" Approach: Use psychological tricks to mess with your partner's mind during intimate moments. From strategically placed mirrors to whispered compliments followed by insults, you'll keep them on their toes and wondering what's coming next.
The "Gaslighting" Gambit: Convince your partner that they're actually the one who initiated every sexual encounter, even when it's blatantly obvious that you're the one in control. It's like rewriting history, but with a kinky twist.
The "Snake Charmer" Technique: Convince your partner that playing a game of "truth or dare" is the ultimate foreplay. Just make sure all the dares involve various forms of bedroom activities, and watch as the game escalates into a wild night of passion.
The "Emotional Manipulation" Method: Pretend to be a character from a romantic novel or movie, complete with melodramatic speeches and intense declarations of love. Your partner won't know whether to swoon or laugh, but either way, it's sure to be a memorable experience.
The "Reverse Psychology" Strategy: Tell your partner that you're not interested in sex at all and watch as they try to seduce you with increasingly creative tactics. Little do they know, you're secretly enjoying the game of cat and mouse.
The "Psychological Warfare" Approach: Use psychological tricks to mess with your partner's mind during intimate moments. From strategically placed mirrors to whispered compliments followed by insults, you'll keep them on their toes and wondering what's coming next.
The "Gaslighting" Gambit: Convince your partner that they're actually the one who initiated every sexual encounter, even when it's blatantly obvious that you're the one in control. It's like rewriting history, but with a kinky twist.
1 year ago
Sad cat is sad
He realized he didn't do his best, so we did it for them, here are some suggestions on how to never see your cat sad:
Daily Dance Parties: Crank up the tunes and bust out your best feline-friendly moves. Who could be sad when surrounded by groovy beats and enthusiastic twirls?
Laser Light Olympics: Transform your living room into a laser-filled wonderland, complete with obstacle courses and high-flying acrobatics. It's a guaranteed way to keep your kitty entertained and their spirits soaring.
Treat Treasure Hunts: Hide treats throughout the house and watch as your cat turns into a furry detective, sniffing out each delicious clue with unbridled enthusiasm. Bonus points for incorporating pirate-themed attire.
Catnip Spa Days: Treat your cat to a luxurious spa experience with catnip-infused toys, cozy blankets, and soothing massages. Because nothing says relaxation like a pampered purr-ball lounging in style.
Customized Cat Cartoons: Commission a series of personalized cartoons starring your cat as the hero of their own adventure. From daring escapades to epic battles with the dreaded red dot, it's sure to keep your kitty's spirits high and their tail twitching with excitement.
Daily Dance Parties: Crank up the tunes and bust out your best feline-friendly moves. Who could be sad when surrounded by groovy beats and enthusiastic twirls?
Laser Light Olympics: Transform your living room into a laser-filled wonderland, complete with obstacle courses and high-flying acrobatics. It's a guaranteed way to keep your kitty entertained and their spirits soaring.
Treat Treasure Hunts: Hide treats throughout the house and watch as your cat turns into a furry detective, sniffing out each delicious clue with unbridled enthusiasm. Bonus points for incorporating pirate-themed attire.
Catnip Spa Days: Treat your cat to a luxurious spa experience with catnip-infused toys, cozy blankets, and soothing massages. Because nothing says relaxation like a pampered purr-ball lounging in style.
Customized Cat Cartoons: Commission a series of personalized cartoons starring your cat as the hero of their own adventure. From daring escapades to epic battles with the dreaded red dot, it's sure to keep your kitty's spirits high and their tail twitching with excitement.
1 year ago
The strong hand
You can get his germs by using it
Here are five humorous reasons why you might consider buying a very creepy sex toy:
Spooky Sensations: Who needs traditional sex toys when you can embrace the eerie delights of a creepy counterpart? With its unconventional design, every touch is a thrilling adventure into the unknown—a perfect way to spice up your bedroom escapades with a touch of the macabre.
Haunted House Party Pleasure: Planning a Halloween bash? Impress your guests with the ultimate party favor—a creepy sex toy that's sure to raise eyebrows and spirits alike. It's the perfect conversation starter for those who dare to delve into the darker side of pleasure.
Bone-Chilling Bedroom Bondage: With its ominous appearance, a creepy sex toy adds an extra layer of excitement to your BDSM play sessions. Whether you're into roleplay or simply seeking a spine-tingling thrill, nothing sets the mood quite like a toy straight out of a horror movie.
Ghostly Gag Gifts: Need a quirky gift for that special someone who has everything? Look no further than a creepy sex toy! It's the perfect way to show your appreciation while giving them a good laugh—or a good scare, depending on their sense of humor.
Cryptic Couples' Connection: Sharing a love for the bizarre? A creepy sex toy is a fun way to bond with your partner over your mutual appreciation for all things spooky. Who knows, it might even become a cherished keepsake of your uniquely twisted love story.
Here are five humorous reasons why you might consider buying a very creepy sex toy:
Spooky Sensations: Who needs traditional sex toys when you can embrace the eerie delights of a creepy counterpart? With its unconventional design, every touch is a thrilling adventure into the unknown—a perfect way to spice up your bedroom escapades with a touch of the macabre.
Haunted House Party Pleasure: Planning a Halloween bash? Impress your guests with the ultimate party favor—a creepy sex toy that's sure to raise eyebrows and spirits alike. It's the perfect conversation starter for those who dare to delve into the darker side of pleasure.
Bone-Chilling Bedroom Bondage: With its ominous appearance, a creepy sex toy adds an extra layer of excitement to your BDSM play sessions. Whether you're into roleplay or simply seeking a spine-tingling thrill, nothing sets the mood quite like a toy straight out of a horror movie.
Ghostly Gag Gifts: Need a quirky gift for that special someone who has everything? Look no further than a creepy sex toy! It's the perfect way to show your appreciation while giving them a good laugh—or a good scare, depending on their sense of humor.
Cryptic Couples' Connection: Sharing a love for the bizarre? A creepy sex toy is a fun way to bond with your partner over your mutual appreciation for all things spooky. Who knows, it might even become a cherished keepsake of your uniquely twisted love story.
1 year ago
Trolling a vampire
Still not a pleasant place to be bleeding from, though if you want to troll a vampire while also flirting hey who am I to argue here's five silly suggestions
Garlic-Infused Massage Oil: Offer the vampire a massage with a special garlic-infused massage oil, promising to soothe their immortal muscles and tantalize their senses. Watch as they squirm at the thought of being slathered in the pungent scent of garlic.
Sunscreen Application Roleplay: Playfully suggest a game of "sunscreen application," where you take turns applying SPF lotion to each other's bodies. Make sure to mention how important it is to protect every inch of skin, including those hard-to-reach places.
Holy Water Balloon Balancing Act: Challenge the vampire to a game of "Holy Water Balloon Balancing," where they have to balance a water balloon filled with holy water on their head while performing various tasks. It's a test of skill and agility with a hint of danger.
Stakeout Tease: Leave a note on their coffin that says, "Wanted: Partner for a stakeout. Must be willing to explore dark alleys and confront dangerous creatures of the night." It's a cheeky invitation to join you on an adventure, complete with a subtle nod to their vampiric nature.
Crossword Puzzle Flirtation: Create a crossword puzzle filled with saucy clues and playful innuendos, challenging the vampire to solve each tantalizing riddle. It's a clever way to engage their mind while also teasing them with suggestive hints about their immortal desires.
Garlic-Infused Massage Oil: Offer the vampire a massage with a special garlic-infused massage oil, promising to soothe their immortal muscles and tantalize their senses. Watch as they squirm at the thought of being slathered in the pungent scent of garlic.
Sunscreen Application Roleplay: Playfully suggest a game of "sunscreen application," where you take turns applying SPF lotion to each other's bodies. Make sure to mention how important it is to protect every inch of skin, including those hard-to-reach places.
Holy Water Balloon Balancing Act: Challenge the vampire to a game of "Holy Water Balloon Balancing," where they have to balance a water balloon filled with holy water on their head while performing various tasks. It's a test of skill and agility with a hint of danger.
Stakeout Tease: Leave a note on their coffin that says, "Wanted: Partner for a stakeout. Must be willing to explore dark alleys and confront dangerous creatures of the night." It's a cheeky invitation to join you on an adventure, complete with a subtle nod to their vampiric nature.
Crossword Puzzle Flirtation: Create a crossword puzzle filled with saucy clues and playful innuendos, challenging the vampire to solve each tantalizing riddle. It's a clever way to engage their mind while also teasing them with suggestive hints about their immortal desires.
1 year ago
Chris Chan Moment
Awkward and unwholesome...that ass though and I can say it we're not related. Complimenting your mothers ass is just awkward so have some reasons (ifyou even need any) not to do it:
"The Oedipal Odyssey": Complimenting your mother's awesome ass is like stepping into a Freudian nightmare. It's not just awkward; it's a one-way ticket to years of therapy and unresolved mommy issues. Best to keep those compliments strictly above the waist.
"The Maternal Mix-Up": Complimenting your mother's awesome ass is like accidentally texting your ex "I miss you" instead of your new crush. It's a cringe-worthy mistake that'll haunt you for years to come—and probably end up in a family therapy session or two.
"The Freudian Slip-Up": Complimenting your mother's awesome ass is like playing Russian roulette with your relationship. One wrong move and you'll find yourself in a conversation so uncomfortable, even the family dog will start to squirm. It's best to keep the compliments platonic and the boundaries intact.
"The Freudian Foot-in-Mouth": Complimenting your mother's awesome ass is like putting your foot in your mouth—except instead of foot odor, it's the stench of awkwardness that lingers in the air. It's a social faux pas of epic proportions, destined to become the stuff of family legend.
"The Oedipal Oopsie-Daisy": Complimenting your mother's awesome ass is like accidentally calling your teacher "mom" in front of the whole class. It's a cringe-worthy moment that'll live on in family lore for generations to come—and probably earn you a spot on the therapist's couch.
"The Oedipal Odyssey": Complimenting your mother's awesome ass is like stepping into a Freudian nightmare. It's not just awkward; it's a one-way ticket to years of therapy and unresolved mommy issues. Best to keep those compliments strictly above the waist.
"The Maternal Mix-Up": Complimenting your mother's awesome ass is like accidentally texting your ex "I miss you" instead of your new crush. It's a cringe-worthy mistake that'll haunt you for years to come—and probably end up in a family therapy session or two.
"The Freudian Slip-Up": Complimenting your mother's awesome ass is like playing Russian roulette with your relationship. One wrong move and you'll find yourself in a conversation so uncomfortable, even the family dog will start to squirm. It's best to keep the compliments platonic and the boundaries intact.
"The Freudian Foot-in-Mouth": Complimenting your mother's awesome ass is like putting your foot in your mouth—except instead of foot odor, it's the stench of awkwardness that lingers in the air. It's a social faux pas of epic proportions, destined to become the stuff of family legend.
"The Oedipal Oopsie-Daisy": Complimenting your mother's awesome ass is like accidentally calling your teacher "mom" in front of the whole class. It's a cringe-worthy moment that'll live on in family lore for generations to come—and probably earn you a spot on the therapist's couch.
1 year ago
Kids and their debt
Do they get it from gambling ?
Banks your new market share awaits! Just make sure to colect if those payments don't come through!
"The Kiddie Cash Caper": Banks love nothing more than exploiting innocent children for profit. By luring them into debt with promises of candy and toys, they can trap them in a vicious cycle of financial servitude from a young age. And when little Tommy can't pay up, it's time to send in the loan sharks disguised as friendly neighborhood ice cream trucks.
"The Playground Predatory Practices": Banks see children as easy targets for their nefarious schemes. By offering them loans they can never hope to repay, they ensure a lifetime of debt bondage and servitude. And when little Jenny misses a payment, it's time for the debt collectors to pay her lemonade stand a visit and repossess her prized stuffed animals.
"The Candy Coercion Conspiracy": Banks will stop at nothing to get their grubby hands on children's hard-earned candy money. By preying on their sweet tooth and offering them loans they can't refuse, they ensure a steady stream of profits for years to come. And when little Timmy can't pay his debts, it's time to send in the repo team to snatch away his Halloween candy and birthday presents.
"The Tooth Fairy Extortion Racket": Banks see children's innocence as a weakness to be exploited for their own gain. By loaning them money and demanding exorbitant interest rates, they ensure a lifetime of indentured servitude and financial ruin. And when little Susie can't pay her debts, it's time to break out the kneecap kneader and teach her a lesson she won't soon forget.
"The Sandbox Shakedown Scheme": Banks view children as nothing more than cash cows to be milked for all they're worth. By trapping them in a web of debt from a young age, they ensure a lifetime of dependency and servitude. And when little Emily can't pay her debts, it's time to foreclose on her sandbox and evict her from her own backyard.
Banks your new market share awaits! Just make sure to colect if those payments don't come through!
"The Kiddie Cash Caper": Banks love nothing more than exploiting innocent children for profit. By luring them into debt with promises of candy and toys, they can trap them in a vicious cycle of financial servitude from a young age. And when little Tommy can't pay up, it's time to send in the loan sharks disguised as friendly neighborhood ice cream trucks.
"The Playground Predatory Practices": Banks see children as easy targets for their nefarious schemes. By offering them loans they can never hope to repay, they ensure a lifetime of debt bondage and servitude. And when little Jenny misses a payment, it's time for the debt collectors to pay her lemonade stand a visit and repossess her prized stuffed animals.
"The Candy Coercion Conspiracy": Banks will stop at nothing to get their grubby hands on children's hard-earned candy money. By preying on their sweet tooth and offering them loans they can't refuse, they ensure a steady stream of profits for years to come. And when little Timmy can't pay his debts, it's time to send in the repo team to snatch away his Halloween candy and birthday presents.
"The Tooth Fairy Extortion Racket": Banks see children's innocence as a weakness to be exploited for their own gain. By loaning them money and demanding exorbitant interest rates, they ensure a lifetime of indentured servitude and financial ruin. And when little Susie can't pay her debts, it's time to break out the kneecap kneader and teach her a lesson she won't soon forget.
"The Sandbox Shakedown Scheme": Banks view children as nothing more than cash cows to be milked for all they're worth. By trapping them in a web of debt from a young age, they ensure a lifetime of dependency and servitude. And when little Emily can't pay her debts, it's time to foreclose on her sandbox and evict her from her own backyard.
