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1 year ago
2 years ago
What did she want?
A very risky strategy
Here are five funny ways to get your girlfriend's attention:
The "Skywriter Surprise": Hire a skywriter to spell out your message in the clouds above her house. Bonus points if you include an inside joke or a funny pun!
The "Catwalk Caller": Strut into the room wearing a ridiculous costume or outfit, like a superhero cape or a dinosaur onesie, and dramatically announce your presence like you're on a fashion runway.
The "Musical Messenger": Record a silly song or rap about your relationship and blast it from a boombox outside her window, complete with backup dancers (even if it's just you and your air guitar).
The "Punny Post-It Palooza": Cover her entire room with sticky notes, each one featuring a cheesy pun or a funny message. It's like a scavenger hunt for laughter!
The "Puppy Proposal": Show up at her doorstep with a bunch of adorable puppies wearing signs that spell out your message, whether it's "Will you go out with me?" or "I'm sorry for eating all your snacks."
Here are five funny ways to get your girlfriend's attention:
The "Skywriter Surprise": Hire a skywriter to spell out your message in the clouds above her house. Bonus points if you include an inside joke or a funny pun!
The "Catwalk Caller": Strut into the room wearing a ridiculous costume or outfit, like a superhero cape or a dinosaur onesie, and dramatically announce your presence like you're on a fashion runway.
The "Musical Messenger": Record a silly song or rap about your relationship and blast it from a boombox outside her window, complete with backup dancers (even if it's just you and your air guitar).
The "Punny Post-It Palooza": Cover her entire room with sticky notes, each one featuring a cheesy pun or a funny message. It's like a scavenger hunt for laughter!
The "Puppy Proposal": Show up at her doorstep with a bunch of adorable puppies wearing signs that spell out your message, whether it's "Will you go out with me?" or "I'm sorry for eating all your snacks."
1 year ago
2 years ago
Honesty 100%
We later find out she has 3 phd's
Here are five humorous fake reasons why glasses make you stupid:
The "Refraction Confusion" Theory:
Wearing glasses causes light to refract in such a way that it scrambles your brain signals. It's like wearing a mini disco ball on your face, except instead of groovy dance moves, you're doing the Macarena of confusion.
The "Lens Distortion" Delusion:
The lenses in glasses act like funhouse mirrors for your brain, distorting reality and turning even the simplest tasks into a carnival of errors. It's like trying to navigate a maze blindfolded – except the blindfold is your glasses.
The "Foggy Brain Fog" Fallacy:
Wearing glasses traps hot air from your brain and creates a foggy haze that clouds your thoughts. It's like trying to think through a steamy bathroom mirror – except instead of writing "wash me," your brain writes "what was I doing again?"
The "Nearsighted Nonsense" Notion:
Staring through glasses for too long causes your brain to become nearsighted to everything except the immediate task at hand. It's like tunnel vision, except the tunnel leads straight to the land of forgetfulness and befuddlement.
The "Refractive Regression" Ruse:
Glasses act like a time machine for your intelligence, sending you hurtling back to the days of childhood simplicity and innocence. It's like hitting the rewind button on your brain – except instead of reliving your glory days, you're reliving your crayon-eating days.
Here are five humorous fake reasons why glasses make you stupid:
The "Refraction Confusion" Theory:
Wearing glasses causes light to refract in such a way that it scrambles your brain signals. It's like wearing a mini disco ball on your face, except instead of groovy dance moves, you're doing the Macarena of confusion.
The "Lens Distortion" Delusion:
The lenses in glasses act like funhouse mirrors for your brain, distorting reality and turning even the simplest tasks into a carnival of errors. It's like trying to navigate a maze blindfolded – except the blindfold is your glasses.
The "Foggy Brain Fog" Fallacy:
Wearing glasses traps hot air from your brain and creates a foggy haze that clouds your thoughts. It's like trying to think through a steamy bathroom mirror – except instead of writing "wash me," your brain writes "what was I doing again?"
The "Nearsighted Nonsense" Notion:
Staring through glasses for too long causes your brain to become nearsighted to everything except the immediate task at hand. It's like tunnel vision, except the tunnel leads straight to the land of forgetfulness and befuddlement.
The "Refractive Regression" Ruse:
Glasses act like a time machine for your intelligence, sending you hurtling back to the days of childhood simplicity and innocence. It's like hitting the rewind button on your brain – except instead of reliving your glory days, you're reliving your crayon-eating days.
1 year ago
A strategic misstep
She probably suspects way worse now. I asked our intern Kyle to write 5 possible stories but since he's spent like 7 years in the bighouse they all came out jail related.
Yes we hire ex-cons take that ESG scores!
"The Mastermind Mishap": You were once known as the infamous "Socks Bandit" for stealing pairs of socks from every laundromat in town. Your girlfriend might think twice about leaving her favorite socks unattended now!
"The Great Escape Episode": You were briefly incarcerated for attempting to break out of an amusement park haunted house because you were convinced it was a real prison. Your girlfriend might worry about your problem-solving skills (or lack thereof) in sticky situations.
"The Celebrity Cellmate Caper": You once claimed to have been cellmates with a famous celebrity during your brief stint in jail, only to later admit it was just a cardboard cutout of them in the visitor's room. Your girlfriend might question your grasp on reality (and your taste in friends).
"The Tattoo Taboo": You got a tattoo in jail of your favorite cartoon character, only to realize too late that it was misspelled. Your girlfriend might wonder if you're still struggling with basic literacy (or just have a questionable taste in body art).
"The Prison Performance Ploy": You were briefly known as the "Singing Serenader" for your attempts to start a jailhouse boy band. Your girlfriend might be concerned about your career aspirations (and your singing voice).
Yes we hire ex-cons take that ESG scores!
"The Mastermind Mishap": You were once known as the infamous "Socks Bandit" for stealing pairs of socks from every laundromat in town. Your girlfriend might think twice about leaving her favorite socks unattended now!
"The Great Escape Episode": You were briefly incarcerated for attempting to break out of an amusement park haunted house because you were convinced it was a real prison. Your girlfriend might worry about your problem-solving skills (or lack thereof) in sticky situations.
"The Celebrity Cellmate Caper": You once claimed to have been cellmates with a famous celebrity during your brief stint in jail, only to later admit it was just a cardboard cutout of them in the visitor's room. Your girlfriend might question your grasp on reality (and your taste in friends).
"The Tattoo Taboo": You got a tattoo in jail of your favorite cartoon character, only to realize too late that it was misspelled. Your girlfriend might wonder if you're still struggling with basic literacy (or just have a questionable taste in body art).
"The Prison Performance Ploy": You were briefly known as the "Singing Serenader" for your attempts to start a jailhouse boy band. Your girlfriend might be concerned about your career aspirations (and your singing voice).
2 years ago
Never share your wi-fi password
3am wondering why you can't load a youtube video while your neighbor is torrenting
Here are some passive aggressive ways to stop the neighborhood ass-weasel from using your wifi
"Fort Knox Connection":
Secure your WiFi network with a password so complex that even the NSA would struggle to crack it. When your neighbor asks for the password, tell them it's classified information and you'd have to consult with the FBI to share it.
"Bandwidth Black Hole":
Prioritize your devices on the network and allocate minimal bandwidth to guest devices. If your neighbor complains about slow internet, blame it on "internet gremlins" or suggest they upgrade to a "hamster-powered modem" for faster speeds.
"Top Secret Network":
Rename your WiFi network to "Area 51 Surveillance Network" or "FBI Surveillance Van #42" to give your neighbor a chuckle and a hint that their online activities are being closely monitored... by you!
"Wi-Not-So-Free Zone":
Leave a humorous note on your door saying something like, "Welcome to the WiFi-free zone! We're saving bandwidth for cat videos and pizza deliveries only. Thanks for understanding!"
"Invisible Internet":
Tell your neighbor that your WiFi network is powered by "quantum entanglement" and only accessible to those who possess the secret of teleportation. Offer to teach them the secret in exchange for a lifetime supply of cookies.
Here are some passive aggressive ways to stop the neighborhood ass-weasel from using your wifi
"Fort Knox Connection":
Secure your WiFi network with a password so complex that even the NSA would struggle to crack it. When your neighbor asks for the password, tell them it's classified information and you'd have to consult with the FBI to share it.
"Bandwidth Black Hole":
Prioritize your devices on the network and allocate minimal bandwidth to guest devices. If your neighbor complains about slow internet, blame it on "internet gremlins" or suggest they upgrade to a "hamster-powered modem" for faster speeds.
"Top Secret Network":
Rename your WiFi network to "Area 51 Surveillance Network" or "FBI Surveillance Van #42" to give your neighbor a chuckle and a hint that their online activities are being closely monitored... by you!
"Wi-Not-So-Free Zone":
Leave a humorous note on your door saying something like, "Welcome to the WiFi-free zone! We're saving bandwidth for cat videos and pizza deliveries only. Thanks for understanding!"
"Invisible Internet":
Tell your neighbor that your WiFi network is powered by "quantum entanglement" and only accessible to those who possess the secret of teleportation. Offer to teach them the secret in exchange for a lifetime supply of cookies.
2 years ago
Never meet your heroes
Specially if they want to clobber you
Here are five humorous reasons why you wouldn't want to experience police brutality:
The "Donut Detox" Disaster:
"Getting roughed up by the cops means missing out on the perfect excuse for indulging in a guilt-free donut binge. No handcuffs, no calories, no fun!"
The "Cufflink Conundrum" Calamity:
"Who wants to show off stylish bracelets made of steel? It's a fashion faux pas even the runway can't redeem!"
The "License to Limbo" Lament:
"If you experience police brutality, say goodbye to any hopes of winning the annual limbo championship – those handcuffs are a serious obstacle!"
The "Mugshot Makeover" Mayhem:
"Getting your picture taken for a mugshot might sound fun, but let's face it – orange isn't exactly your color, and those fluorescent lights are not kind to anyone's complexion!"
The "Cop Car Confusion" Catastrophe:
"Forget about Uber ratings – getting a ride in the back of a police cruiser will seriously tank your social status. #RideShareRegrets"
Here are five humorous reasons why you wouldn't want to experience police brutality:
The "Donut Detox" Disaster:
"Getting roughed up by the cops means missing out on the perfect excuse for indulging in a guilt-free donut binge. No handcuffs, no calories, no fun!"
The "Cufflink Conundrum" Calamity:
"Who wants to show off stylish bracelets made of steel? It's a fashion faux pas even the runway can't redeem!"
The "License to Limbo" Lament:
"If you experience police brutality, say goodbye to any hopes of winning the annual limbo championship – those handcuffs are a serious obstacle!"
The "Mugshot Makeover" Mayhem:
"Getting your picture taken for a mugshot might sound fun, but let's face it – orange isn't exactly your color, and those fluorescent lights are not kind to anyone's complexion!"
The "Cop Car Confusion" Catastrophe:
"Forget about Uber ratings – getting a ride in the back of a police cruiser will seriously tank your social status. #RideShareRegrets"
