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2 years ago
Call Captain Planet for this toxicity
Happiness was anywhere she wasn't. Though being more toxic then a nuclear waste repository takes skill ...not desirable skill but skill nonetheless!
Here's 5 signs you might be the toxic partner:
You've Perfected the Art of Emotional Jenga: Every relationship with you is like a high-stakes game of emotional Jenga, with your partner desperately trying to navigate the precarious tower of your feelings without triggering a collapse. Spoiler alert: the tower always comes crashing down, usually right after they make a harmless joke about your cooking.
Your Love Language is Morse Code... in Sarcasm: Instead of expressing affection with hugs and kisses, you communicate in a code known only to the most sarcastic of souls. Your partner spends hours decoding your cryptic messages, only to discover that you were just being "playful" with your insults.
You're the Houdini of Healthy Communication: You've mastered the art of disappearing whenever a serious conversation rears its ugly head. Your partner is left talking to an empty room, wondering if they're dating a magician or just someone with commitment issues.
Your Relationship Milestones Include the Seven Stages of Grief: Instead of celebrating anniversaries and milestones, you mark the passage of time with the seven stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, more denial, and finally, ordering takeout to cope.
You're the Picasso of Petty Acts of Rebellion: Every disagreement with your partner is an opportunity to unleash your inner rebel, staging elaborate acts of defiance that would make even the most seasoned anarchist blush. Who needs healthy conflict resolution when you can paint the town red with passive-aggressive graffiti?
Here's 5 signs you might be the toxic partner:
You've Perfected the Art of Emotional Jenga: Every relationship with you is like a high-stakes game of emotional Jenga, with your partner desperately trying to navigate the precarious tower of your feelings without triggering a collapse. Spoiler alert: the tower always comes crashing down, usually right after they make a harmless joke about your cooking.
Your Love Language is Morse Code... in Sarcasm: Instead of expressing affection with hugs and kisses, you communicate in a code known only to the most sarcastic of souls. Your partner spends hours decoding your cryptic messages, only to discover that you were just being "playful" with your insults.
You're the Houdini of Healthy Communication: You've mastered the art of disappearing whenever a serious conversation rears its ugly head. Your partner is left talking to an empty room, wondering if they're dating a magician or just someone with commitment issues.
Your Relationship Milestones Include the Seven Stages of Grief: Instead of celebrating anniversaries and milestones, you mark the passage of time with the seven stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, more denial, and finally, ordering takeout to cope.
You're the Picasso of Petty Acts of Rebellion: Every disagreement with your partner is an opportunity to unleash your inner rebel, staging elaborate acts of defiance that would make even the most seasoned anarchist blush. Who needs healthy conflict resolution when you can paint the town red with passive-aggressive graffiti?
2 years ago
Line cooks are savage
They had to change it because of too many applicants
Here are some humorous reasons why line cooks shouldn't turn to cooking people:
"Menu Mishaps": Human cuisine might be a tad too niche for most diners' tastes. Imagine trying to explain to a customer that tonight's special is "Roasted Karen with a side of Steve Sauté"—not exactly appetizing!
"Health Code Hurdles": Let's face it, human meat isn't exactly FDA-approved. If health inspectors caught wind of your new culinary experiments, you'd be looking at more than just a slap on the wrist—it's straight to chef jail for you!
"Customer Complaints": Ever tried sending back a plate of human flesh because it was too rare? Yeah, good luck with that. Customer satisfaction is key in the restaurant industry, and I don't think "tender with a hint of cannibalism" is what they had in mind.
"Ethical Quandaries": While it might be tempting to add a little variety to your menu, there's something inherently unsettling about turning your fellow humans into a dish. Plus, I hear the vegetarian crowd is particularly vocal about their dietary preferences.
"Legal Limbo": Last time I checked, cannibalism was still illegal in most places. You might have a knack for seasoning and sautéing, but I don't think the courtroom is where you want to showcase your culinary talents. Stick to cooking up creative dishes that won't land you in hot water—pun intended!
Here are some humorous reasons why line cooks shouldn't turn to cooking people:
"Menu Mishaps": Human cuisine might be a tad too niche for most diners' tastes. Imagine trying to explain to a customer that tonight's special is "Roasted Karen with a side of Steve Sauté"—not exactly appetizing!
"Health Code Hurdles": Let's face it, human meat isn't exactly FDA-approved. If health inspectors caught wind of your new culinary experiments, you'd be looking at more than just a slap on the wrist—it's straight to chef jail for you!
"Customer Complaints": Ever tried sending back a plate of human flesh because it was too rare? Yeah, good luck with that. Customer satisfaction is key in the restaurant industry, and I don't think "tender with a hint of cannibalism" is what they had in mind.
"Ethical Quandaries": While it might be tempting to add a little variety to your menu, there's something inherently unsettling about turning your fellow humans into a dish. Plus, I hear the vegetarian crowd is particularly vocal about their dietary preferences.
"Legal Limbo": Last time I checked, cannibalism was still illegal in most places. You might have a knack for seasoning and sautéing, but I don't think the courtroom is where you want to showcase your culinary talents. Stick to cooking up creative dishes that won't land you in hot water—pun intended!
2 years ago
2 years ago
Sounds like a fun evening
Who got the honor of cleaning that up? One thing is clear though he loved it! Dogs are awesome and you proved dog like affinity to him! here is why I think pissing on the floor like a dog would make you more attractive to your boyfriend:
"The Alpha Dog Display": By marking your territory like a confident canine, you assert dominance and show your boyfriend who's the boss. It's a primal display of strength that'll have him howling with admiration.
"The Scent of Success": Your unique musk, reminiscent of freshly watered grass, is an irresistible aphrodisiac that'll have your boyfriend begging for more. Who needs expensive perfumes when you've got the natural allure of eau de urine?
"The Bonding Ritual": Sharing intimate moments, even bathroom-related ones, strengthens your bond as a couple. By embracing your inner pup, you invite your boyfriend into your world and create a deeper connection that transcends societal norms.
"The Playful Puddle Prance": Pissing on the floor like a dog is a playful way to inject some fun and spontaneity into your relationship. It's like turning everyday chores into a whimsical game of canine capers—a surefire way to keep the romance alive.
"The Wet 'n' Wild Fantasy": Let's face it—there's something undeniably sexy about breaking the rules and indulging in forbidden pleasures. By embracing your inner rebel and embracing your primal instincts, you ignite a fiery passion that'll leave your boyfriend panting for more.
"The Alpha Dog Display": By marking your territory like a confident canine, you assert dominance and show your boyfriend who's the boss. It's a primal display of strength that'll have him howling with admiration.
"The Scent of Success": Your unique musk, reminiscent of freshly watered grass, is an irresistible aphrodisiac that'll have your boyfriend begging for more. Who needs expensive perfumes when you've got the natural allure of eau de urine?
"The Bonding Ritual": Sharing intimate moments, even bathroom-related ones, strengthens your bond as a couple. By embracing your inner pup, you invite your boyfriend into your world and create a deeper connection that transcends societal norms.
"The Playful Puddle Prance": Pissing on the floor like a dog is a playful way to inject some fun and spontaneity into your relationship. It's like turning everyday chores into a whimsical game of canine capers—a surefire way to keep the romance alive.
"The Wet 'n' Wild Fantasy": Let's face it—there's something undeniably sexy about breaking the rules and indulging in forbidden pleasures. By embracing your inner rebel and embracing your primal instincts, you ignite a fiery passion that'll leave your boyfriend panting for more.
2 years ago
Food is very temperatue
Brain funny think food hot/cold. But here I am making fun of a genius especially since blowing on your ice cream means you're a visionary and here's a few reasons why:
The Arctic Aria: "Because blowing on ice cream is your chance to serenade the frozen dessert with a chilling rendition of 'Let It Go,' proving that even Elsa would envy your frosty finesse."
The Cool Cat Conundrum: "Because blowing on ice cream makes you feel like a cat trying to cool down a hot meal—except instead of a cat, it's you, and instead of a hot meal, it's a cold treat. Who said humans can't learn from felines?"
The Frosty Fanfare: "Because blowing on ice cream is the dessert version of a victory lap, celebrating your triumph over the elements as you tame the unruly beast that is a melting cone. Cue the applause and confetti!"
The Glacial Giggle: "Because blowing on ice cream is your chance to showcase your comedic prowess, turning a simple act into a sidesplitting spectacle that leaves everyone in stitches. Who knew dessert could be so funny?"
The Gelato Guffaw: "Because blowing on ice cream is like telling a joke to a frozen audience—the punchline might be cold, but the laughter is warm and contagious. Who needs stand-up comedy when you've got frozen treats?"
The Arctic Aria: "Because blowing on ice cream is your chance to serenade the frozen dessert with a chilling rendition of 'Let It Go,' proving that even Elsa would envy your frosty finesse."
The Cool Cat Conundrum: "Because blowing on ice cream makes you feel like a cat trying to cool down a hot meal—except instead of a cat, it's you, and instead of a hot meal, it's a cold treat. Who said humans can't learn from felines?"
The Frosty Fanfare: "Because blowing on ice cream is the dessert version of a victory lap, celebrating your triumph over the elements as you tame the unruly beast that is a melting cone. Cue the applause and confetti!"
The Glacial Giggle: "Because blowing on ice cream is your chance to showcase your comedic prowess, turning a simple act into a sidesplitting spectacle that leaves everyone in stitches. Who knew dessert could be so funny?"
The Gelato Guffaw: "Because blowing on ice cream is like telling a joke to a frozen audience—the punchline might be cold, but the laughter is warm and contagious. Who needs stand-up comedy when you've got frozen treats?"
2 years ago
Illiterate Bae!
Can't see red flags if you can't spell them. You should always love your illiterate girlfriend and here's a few reasons why:
The Love Letter Lark: "Because who needs Shakespeare when your illiterate girlfriend writes you love letters that are more entertaining than a Netflix rom-com? Spelling mistakes are just her way of adding suspense!"
The Bookworm Bliss: "Because with an illiterate girlfriend, you'll never have to worry about sharing your favorite books. Just think of all the quality time you'll save by not having to debate the merits of Hemingway's prose!"
The Texting Tease: "Because deciphering her texts is like solving a cryptic crossword puzzle—you never know what you're going to get, but it's always an adventure. Who needs grammar when you've got emojis?"
The Literary Love: "Because while she may not be able to read, she's a master at creating her own stories. From tall tales to elaborate excuses, her imagination knows no bounds!"
The Poetry Paradox: "Because with an illiterate girlfriend, you'll never have to worry about her stealing your copy of 'Fifty Shades of Grey.' Instead, you'll get to experience the thrill of reading her own steamy poetry—complete with creative spelling and alliteration!"
The Love Letter Lark: "Because who needs Shakespeare when your illiterate girlfriend writes you love letters that are more entertaining than a Netflix rom-com? Spelling mistakes are just her way of adding suspense!"
The Bookworm Bliss: "Because with an illiterate girlfriend, you'll never have to worry about sharing your favorite books. Just think of all the quality time you'll save by not having to debate the merits of Hemingway's prose!"
The Texting Tease: "Because deciphering her texts is like solving a cryptic crossword puzzle—you never know what you're going to get, but it's always an adventure. Who needs grammar when you've got emojis?"
The Literary Love: "Because while she may not be able to read, she's a master at creating her own stories. From tall tales to elaborate excuses, her imagination knows no bounds!"
The Poetry Paradox: "Because with an illiterate girlfriend, you'll never have to worry about her stealing your copy of 'Fifty Shades of Grey.' Instead, you'll get to experience the thrill of reading her own steamy poetry—complete with creative spelling and alliteration!"
2 years ago
The mad lad did it
Extreme diarrhea was probably an unwanted side effect.
Here's 5 hilarious reasons why giving yourself Autobrewery Syndrome is the best idea ever:
"The Instant Party Starter": Forget about lugging around heavy coolers full of beer—with Autobrewery Syndrome, you can turn any outing into an instant party! Just eat some carbs, sit back, and let your body do the brewing. Who needs a keg when you've got your own personal brewery on board?
"The Ultimate DIY Project": Why spend money on craft beer when you can brew your own right in your gut? With Autobrewery Syndrome, you'll never have to worry about running out of beer again. Just stock up on snacks and let the fermentation process do the rest. It's like having a microbrewery in your stomach!
"The Beer Belly Bonanza": Who needs to hit the gym when you can cultivate your very own beer belly with Autobrewery Syndrome? Say goodbye to those boring six-pack abs and hello to a belly full of delicious homemade brews. It's the ultimate excuse to skip leg day and crack open another cold one instead.
"The Liquid Courage Lifesaver": With Autobrewery Syndrome, you'll never have to face an awkward social situation sober again. Feeling nervous at a party? Just let your body brew up some liquid courage and you'll be the life of the party in no time. Who needs charisma when you've got ethanol coursing through your veins?
"The Drunk Dial Dilemma": With Autobrewery Syndrome, you'll never have to worry about embarrassing drunk dials again—because you'll be drunk 24/7! Say goodbye to coherent conversations and hello to slurred speech and nonsensical ramblings. Who needs a filter when you've got ethanol-induced honesty?
Here's 5 hilarious reasons why giving yourself Autobrewery Syndrome is the best idea ever:
"The Instant Party Starter": Forget about lugging around heavy coolers full of beer—with Autobrewery Syndrome, you can turn any outing into an instant party! Just eat some carbs, sit back, and let your body do the brewing. Who needs a keg when you've got your own personal brewery on board?
"The Ultimate DIY Project": Why spend money on craft beer when you can brew your own right in your gut? With Autobrewery Syndrome, you'll never have to worry about running out of beer again. Just stock up on snacks and let the fermentation process do the rest. It's like having a microbrewery in your stomach!
"The Beer Belly Bonanza": Who needs to hit the gym when you can cultivate your very own beer belly with Autobrewery Syndrome? Say goodbye to those boring six-pack abs and hello to a belly full of delicious homemade brews. It's the ultimate excuse to skip leg day and crack open another cold one instead.
"The Liquid Courage Lifesaver": With Autobrewery Syndrome, you'll never have to face an awkward social situation sober again. Feeling nervous at a party? Just let your body brew up some liquid courage and you'll be the life of the party in no time. Who needs charisma when you've got ethanol coursing through your veins?
"The Drunk Dial Dilemma": With Autobrewery Syndrome, you'll never have to worry about embarrassing drunk dials again—because you'll be drunk 24/7! Say goodbye to coherent conversations and hello to slurred speech and nonsensical ramblings. Who needs a filter when you've got ethanol-induced honesty?
