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1 year ago
Surprising amount of hair
Looney toons antics expected. We extracted Conan O'Briens personality and after questioning our life decisions that brought us here we decided that these are a few lines he would say under these circumstances:
"Well, folks, looks like I'm starting a new trend: shotgun hairdos! Who needs gel when you can have buckshot?"
"Ouch! That's what I get for trying to impress the audience with my 'bang' jokes!"
"I always knew my hair was explosive, but this is taking it to a whole new level!"
"Note to self: next time, aim the shotgun away from the face... and the hair!"
"They say laughter is the best medicine, but I think I'll stick to Advil after this one!"
"Well, folks, looks like I'm starting a new trend: shotgun hairdos! Who needs gel when you can have buckshot?"
"Ouch! That's what I get for trying to impress the audience with my 'bang' jokes!"
"I always knew my hair was explosive, but this is taking it to a whole new level!"
"Note to self: next time, aim the shotgun away from the face... and the hair!"
"They say laughter is the best medicine, but I think I'll stick to Advil after this one!"
1 year ago
Should be banned from eating chicken
Should be forced to become vegan until they appreciate meat more!
1 year ago
But they ARE too bright
Time to write a short novel about it.
So I did, here are 5 ways to tell the pesky city council the darned street lights are too bright. Not90pages but this should do, I'm not made of keyboards ffs
"The Streetlights Are Giving Us 'Night Vision': It's like living in a perpetual solar eclipse! While we appreciate the effort to illuminate the streets, we're starting to suspect our neighbors are secretly aliens who thrive in blindingly bright conditions.
"The Stars Are Staging a Protest": Our local constellations are feeling a bit overshadowed lately. They're threatening to go on strike unless we dim the lights and give them back their rightful place in the night sky. Can't have Orion throwing a cosmic temper tantrum, can we?
"We've Adopted a 'Vampire-Friendly' Lifestyle": Thanks to the relentless glow of the streetlights, we've decided to embrace our inner creatures of the night. Garlic sales are through the roof, and we're all investing in capes and fake fangs. Who needs sleep when you can channel your inner Dracula?
"We're Hosting a Block-Wide Disco Party": The excessive brightness has inspired us to turn our neighborhood into the hottest dance floor this side of Studio 54. We've got disco balls, funky beats, and enough glitter to rival a '70s rock concert. All we need now is a dimmer switch for the streetlights to set the mood!
"We're Developing a New Superhero Origin Story": Forget radioactive spiders and gamma radiation—our neighborhood's newest superhero gains their powers from the blinding glare of the streetlights. It's like being bitten by a radioactive glow stick! Now if only we could figure out how to turn off the lights without accidentally triggering their secret identity reveal...
So I did, here are 5 ways to tell the pesky city council the darned street lights are too bright. Not90pages but this should do, I'm not made of keyboards ffs
"The Streetlights Are Giving Us 'Night Vision': It's like living in a perpetual solar eclipse! While we appreciate the effort to illuminate the streets, we're starting to suspect our neighbors are secretly aliens who thrive in blindingly bright conditions.
"The Stars Are Staging a Protest": Our local constellations are feeling a bit overshadowed lately. They're threatening to go on strike unless we dim the lights and give them back their rightful place in the night sky. Can't have Orion throwing a cosmic temper tantrum, can we?
"We've Adopted a 'Vampire-Friendly' Lifestyle": Thanks to the relentless glow of the streetlights, we've decided to embrace our inner creatures of the night. Garlic sales are through the roof, and we're all investing in capes and fake fangs. Who needs sleep when you can channel your inner Dracula?
"We're Hosting a Block-Wide Disco Party": The excessive brightness has inspired us to turn our neighborhood into the hottest dance floor this side of Studio 54. We've got disco balls, funky beats, and enough glitter to rival a '70s rock concert. All we need now is a dimmer switch for the streetlights to set the mood!
"We're Developing a New Superhero Origin Story": Forget radioactive spiders and gamma radiation—our neighborhood's newest superhero gains their powers from the blinding glare of the streetlights. It's like being bitten by a radioactive glow stick! Now if only we could figure out how to turn off the lights without accidentally triggering their secret identity reveal...
1 year ago
Worm employee of the month
It was clearly an emergency. Worms make great employees also you might get to not pay them! Surely makes up for the drop in productivity!
Here are some reasons why you should still employ someone if they were to turn into a worm!
"Because who needs an employee-of-the-month plaque when you can have an employee-of-the-compost-pile trophy? You'd be the reigning champion of decomposition!"
"Because your new worm form brings a whole new meaning to 'getting down to the grassroots' of the company. You're literally in touch with the earth—talk about being environmentally conscious!"
"Because your transformation into a worm proves that you're willing to go to great lengths to demonstrate your dedication to the job. Who else can say they've literally crawled their way to work every day?"
"Because with your newfound ability to wiggle through tight spaces, you'd be the ultimate office spy—keeping tabs on all those secret conversations happening under desks and behind closed doors."
"Because your boss knows that even as a worm, you'd still be the 'early bird' of the office—showing up bright and early to get the worm... I mean, work! Plus, you'd never be late for meetings again, given your new schedule as a nocturnal creature."
Here are some reasons why you should still employ someone if they were to turn into a worm!
"Because who needs an employee-of-the-month plaque when you can have an employee-of-the-compost-pile trophy? You'd be the reigning champion of decomposition!"
"Because your new worm form brings a whole new meaning to 'getting down to the grassroots' of the company. You're literally in touch with the earth—talk about being environmentally conscious!"
"Because your transformation into a worm proves that you're willing to go to great lengths to demonstrate your dedication to the job. Who else can say they've literally crawled their way to work every day?"
"Because with your newfound ability to wiggle through tight spaces, you'd be the ultimate office spy—keeping tabs on all those secret conversations happening under desks and behind closed doors."
"Because your boss knows that even as a worm, you'd still be the 'early bird' of the office—showing up bright and early to get the worm... I mean, work! Plus, you'd never be late for meetings again, given your new schedule as a nocturnal creature."
1 year ago
1 year ago
A Mazderati The Best Car
You do you lady enjoy your Mazda. It's objectively better too or at least that's what our door dash guy who drives a tuned Mazda told us. We believe him and parot what he said on our site:
"The Speed Trap Trickster": A Mazda is better than a Maserati because while the Maserati might attract attention from speed traps, the Mazda can slip by unnoticed, like a stealthy ninja in the night. Who needs a flashy car when you can have a vehicle that's the ultimate getaway car?
"The Parking Predicament Paradox": A Mazda is better than a Maserati because you'll never have to worry about finding a parking spot big enough for your ego. Who needs valet parking when you can squeeze into a space like a contortionist?
"The Luxury Lamentation": A Mazda is better than a Maserati because while the Maserati might come with all the bells and whistles, the Mazda comes with the satisfaction of knowing you didn't break the bank just to impress your neighbors. Who needs leather seats when you can have peace of mind?
"The Maintenance Mystery": A Mazda is better than a Maserati because while the Maserati might require a second mortgage to cover maintenance costs, the Mazda's repairs are more affordable than a Netflix subscription. Who needs a mechanic when you can DIY with duct tape and hope?
"The Traffic Triumph": A Mazda is better than a Maserati because while the Maserati might turn heads in traffic, the Mazda can blend in like a chameleon, saving you from awkward encounters with aggressive admirers. Who needs paparazzi when you can be the master of disguise?
"The Speed Trap Trickster": A Mazda is better than a Maserati because while the Maserati might attract attention from speed traps, the Mazda can slip by unnoticed, like a stealthy ninja in the night. Who needs a flashy car when you can have a vehicle that's the ultimate getaway car?
"The Parking Predicament Paradox": A Mazda is better than a Maserati because you'll never have to worry about finding a parking spot big enough for your ego. Who needs valet parking when you can squeeze into a space like a contortionist?
"The Luxury Lamentation": A Mazda is better than a Maserati because while the Maserati might come with all the bells and whistles, the Mazda comes with the satisfaction of knowing you didn't break the bank just to impress your neighbors. Who needs leather seats when you can have peace of mind?
"The Maintenance Mystery": A Mazda is better than a Maserati because while the Maserati might require a second mortgage to cover maintenance costs, the Mazda's repairs are more affordable than a Netflix subscription. Who needs a mechanic when you can DIY with duct tape and hope?
"The Traffic Triumph": A Mazda is better than a Maserati because while the Maserati might turn heads in traffic, the Mazda can blend in like a chameleon, saving you from awkward encounters with aggressive admirers. Who needs paparazzi when you can be the master of disguise?
1 year ago
