Register for a no ad experience.
2 years ago
His cousin is an investigator
Would he join the gator or mechanic union
Crocodiles can be great mechanics read the stuff our intern wrote while huffing glue
The "Jaws of Steel" Expertise:
Crocodiles' powerful jaws are perfect for tightening bolts.
The "Tail-Wagging" Torque Technique:
Their tails generate enough force to replace an engine.
The "Snap and Fix" Method:
With lightning-fast reflexes, they can swap parts in a snap.
The "Scaley Smarts" Skillset:
Their intelligence helps them tackle any engine trouble.
The "Lakeside Service" Specialty:
They offer convenient watercraft repairs right at the dock.
Crocodiles can be great mechanics read the stuff our intern wrote while huffing glue
The "Jaws of Steel" Expertise:
Crocodiles' powerful jaws are perfect for tightening bolts.
The "Tail-Wagging" Torque Technique:
Their tails generate enough force to replace an engine.
The "Snap and Fix" Method:
With lightning-fast reflexes, they can swap parts in a snap.
The "Scaley Smarts" Skillset:
Their intelligence helps them tackle any engine trouble.
The "Lakeside Service" Specialty:
They offer convenient watercraft repairs right at the dock.
2 years ago
Him and his pokemans
Someone's getting taken out of the will...at least he has a shiny Magikarp. But let's be frank here Pokemon are more important then job interviews! Here's a few reasons why:
Gotta Catch 'Em All, Even Unemployment: "Because let's face it, becoming a Pokemon Master is a lifelong dream that no job interview can compete with. Who needs a paycheck when you've got a Charizard waiting to be unleashed?"
The Real World Can Wait: "Because in the grand scheme of things, battling Team Rocket and saving the world from legendary Pokemon is just a tad more pressing than impressing potential employers with your resume. Priorities, people!"
The Pikachu Principle: "Because when life gives you the opportunity to choose between a stuffy boardroom and a vibrant Pokemon adventure, you always choose Pikachu. Besides, who needs a job when you've got a pocket monster to call your own?"
The Proficiency in Pidgey: "Because while some may see job interviews as a chance to showcase their professional skills, true mastery lies in your ability to identify every species of Pokemon by sight and sound. Can your resume do that?"
The Legendary Lunacy: "Because landing a job may put food on the table, but catching a legendary Pokemon? That's the stuff of legends. Who needs a 401(k) when you've got a Mewtwo waiting in the wings?"
Gotta Catch 'Em All, Even Unemployment: "Because let's face it, becoming a Pokemon Master is a lifelong dream that no job interview can compete with. Who needs a paycheck when you've got a Charizard waiting to be unleashed?"
The Real World Can Wait: "Because in the grand scheme of things, battling Team Rocket and saving the world from legendary Pokemon is just a tad more pressing than impressing potential employers with your resume. Priorities, people!"
The Pikachu Principle: "Because when life gives you the opportunity to choose between a stuffy boardroom and a vibrant Pokemon adventure, you always choose Pikachu. Besides, who needs a job when you've got a pocket monster to call your own?"
The Proficiency in Pidgey: "Because while some may see job interviews as a chance to showcase their professional skills, true mastery lies in your ability to identify every species of Pokemon by sight and sound. Can your resume do that?"
The Legendary Lunacy: "Because landing a job may put food on the table, but catching a legendary Pokemon? That's the stuff of legends. Who needs a 401(k) when you've got a Mewtwo waiting in the wings?"
2 years ago
Don't risk it guys
I'd also share it on all my socials your friends will think you're smart funny and quirky
Lucky badger guys just read the proof below i swear writing these is like an endless fever dream
The "Underground Abode" Advantage:
"With $115, that badger can afford the ultimate burrow upgrade – complete with a built-in jacuzzi!"
The "Unexpected Investor" Wonder:
"This badger must have stumbled upon a squirrel's hidden stock portfolio. Lucky break for a woodland critter!"
The "Born Lucky" Charm:
"With a badger's luck and $115, who needs four-leaf clovers?"
The "Frugal Forager" Fortune:
"That badger's $115 could buy a year's supply of discount berries and budget-friendly bugs!"
The "Pirate's Paw" Prize:
"Rumor has it, buried beneath the badger's favorite tree lies a trove of lost pirate treasure. Lucky find indeed!"
Lucky badger guys just read the proof below i swear writing these is like an endless fever dream
The "Underground Abode" Advantage:
"With $115, that badger can afford the ultimate burrow upgrade – complete with a built-in jacuzzi!"
The "Unexpected Investor" Wonder:
"This badger must have stumbled upon a squirrel's hidden stock portfolio. Lucky break for a woodland critter!"
The "Born Lucky" Charm:
"With a badger's luck and $115, who needs four-leaf clovers?"
The "Frugal Forager" Fortune:
"That badger's $115 could buy a year's supply of discount berries and budget-friendly bugs!"
The "Pirate's Paw" Prize:
"Rumor has it, buried beneath the badger's favorite tree lies a trove of lost pirate treasure. Lucky find indeed!"
2 years ago
He just said friend though
Best friends with no benefits
Here are five humorous reasons not to have long hair as a guy:
The "Soup Strainer" Struggle:
Long hair doubles as an unexpected garnish for your meals, adding a touch of flavor to every bite. Just be prepared for the inevitable awkward moment when you realize your spaghetti has turned into a spaghetti-hair sandwich.
The "Pillowcase Picasso" Predicament:
Long hair turns your pillow into a canvas for midnight masterpieces, as your locks twist and turn into avant-garde sculptures while you sleep. Wake up to discover you've created a modern art masterpiece – or a tangled mess worthy of its own exhibit.
The "Wind Tunnel Tango" Trial:
Long hair transforms a gentle breeze into a whirlwind of chaos, as your locks take on a life of their own and engage in a passionate dance with the wind. Hold onto your hat – or your hair – lest you become the unwitting star of a breezy ballet performance.
The "Shampoo Shortage" Saga:
Long hair turns every trip to the shampoo aisle into a harrowing adventure, as you navigate the labyrinth of bottles in search of a product that can tame your mane. Just remember to stock up on conditioner – you're gonna need it.
The "Sweat Bandit" Strain:
Long hair transforms every workout into a battle against the forces of sweat and gravity, as your locks rebel against containment and launch a full-scale assault on your forehead. Keep a towel handy – and maybe a spare hair tie or two – unless you want to end up looking like a drowned rat.
Here are five humorous reasons not to have long hair as a guy:
The "Soup Strainer" Struggle:
Long hair doubles as an unexpected garnish for your meals, adding a touch of flavor to every bite. Just be prepared for the inevitable awkward moment when you realize your spaghetti has turned into a spaghetti-hair sandwich.
The "Pillowcase Picasso" Predicament:
Long hair turns your pillow into a canvas for midnight masterpieces, as your locks twist and turn into avant-garde sculptures while you sleep. Wake up to discover you've created a modern art masterpiece – or a tangled mess worthy of its own exhibit.
The "Wind Tunnel Tango" Trial:
Long hair transforms a gentle breeze into a whirlwind of chaos, as your locks take on a life of their own and engage in a passionate dance with the wind. Hold onto your hat – or your hair – lest you become the unwitting star of a breezy ballet performance.
The "Shampoo Shortage" Saga:
Long hair turns every trip to the shampoo aisle into a harrowing adventure, as you navigate the labyrinth of bottles in search of a product that can tame your mane. Just remember to stock up on conditioner – you're gonna need it.
The "Sweat Bandit" Strain:
Long hair transforms every workout into a battle against the forces of sweat and gravity, as your locks rebel against containment and launch a full-scale assault on your forehead. Keep a towel handy – and maybe a spare hair tie or two – unless you want to end up looking like a drowned rat.
2 years ago
Is it though?
They must have sure liked cucumbers that you can't eat...that's it right?
People in antiquity never masturbated guys just trust our 5 reasons they are SO real
The "Statue Stigma" Story:
"They feared accidentally turning into statues themselves – nobody wants to spend eternity frozen in an awkward pose!"
The "Olive Oil Overdose" Myth:
"They believed excessive self-love would deplete the olive oil supply, leading to an ancient Greek salad crisis of epic proportions!"
The "Scroll Scandal" Saga:
"They worried about chafing from all that parchment rubbing – imagine explaining ink stains in awkward places to your scribe!"
The "Vengeful Venus" Vendetta:
"They feared angering the gods, particularly Venus, who might retaliate by sabotaging their love life for eternity. Talk about divine retribution!"
The "Chariot Chastity" Chronicle:
"They believed that spilling their seed would diminish their strength, jeopardizing their chances of winning the next chariot race. Priorities, right?"
People in antiquity never masturbated guys just trust our 5 reasons they are SO real
The "Statue Stigma" Story:
"They feared accidentally turning into statues themselves – nobody wants to spend eternity frozen in an awkward pose!"
The "Olive Oil Overdose" Myth:
"They believed excessive self-love would deplete the olive oil supply, leading to an ancient Greek salad crisis of epic proportions!"
The "Scroll Scandal" Saga:
"They worried about chafing from all that parchment rubbing – imagine explaining ink stains in awkward places to your scribe!"
The "Vengeful Venus" Vendetta:
"They feared angering the gods, particularly Venus, who might retaliate by sabotaging their love life for eternity. Talk about divine retribution!"
The "Chariot Chastity" Chronicle:
"They believed that spilling their seed would diminish their strength, jeopardizing their chances of winning the next chariot race. Priorities, right?"
2 years ago
Run girl or get a gun or both
He seems like he'd make a skin-suit out of her. I guess I'm not allowed to technically say you should shoot him outright *wink wink* so here are some Home Alone style ways you can protect yourself from a dangerous stalker!
DIY Booby Traps: Channel your inner MacGyver and rig up some hilarious yet effective booby traps using household items. Think strategically placed marbles, buckets of slime over doorways, and strategically positioned rubber chickens. Who knew self-defense could be so slapstick?
Fake-Out Escape Plans: Set up fake escape routes that lead nowhere, like a hallway of cardboard cutouts or a secret door that opens to reveal a closet full of old Halloween costumes. Your stalker will be left scratching their head while you make a real getaway.
Inflatable Doppelgangers: Invest in a few life-sized inflatable replicas of yourself to scatter around the house. Your stalker won't know which one is the real you, giving you plenty of time to slip away unnoticed while they're busy interrogating your vinyl doppelgangers.
Kitchen Chaos: Turn your kitchen into a culinary battleground by strategically placing pots, pans, and utensils within arm's reach. When your stalker least expects it, unleash a barrage of flying cookware to send them running for cover—or at least ducking for cover.
Animal Allies: Enlist the help of your furry (or feathery) friends to thwart your stalker's advances. Train your pet parrot to squawk obscenities whenever they approach or teach your cat to trip them up with well-timed leg weaves. After all, who needs a guard dog when you have a guard chicken?
DIY Booby Traps: Channel your inner MacGyver and rig up some hilarious yet effective booby traps using household items. Think strategically placed marbles, buckets of slime over doorways, and strategically positioned rubber chickens. Who knew self-defense could be so slapstick?
Fake-Out Escape Plans: Set up fake escape routes that lead nowhere, like a hallway of cardboard cutouts or a secret door that opens to reveal a closet full of old Halloween costumes. Your stalker will be left scratching their head while you make a real getaway.
Inflatable Doppelgangers: Invest in a few life-sized inflatable replicas of yourself to scatter around the house. Your stalker won't know which one is the real you, giving you plenty of time to slip away unnoticed while they're busy interrogating your vinyl doppelgangers.
Kitchen Chaos: Turn your kitchen into a culinary battleground by strategically placing pots, pans, and utensils within arm's reach. When your stalker least expects it, unleash a barrage of flying cookware to send them running for cover—or at least ducking for cover.
Animal Allies: Enlist the help of your furry (or feathery) friends to thwart your stalker's advances. Train your pet parrot to squawk obscenities whenever they approach or teach your cat to trip them up with well-timed leg weaves. After all, who needs a guard dog when you have a guard chicken?
2 years ago
Thieving dog
Nuggets are my love language. This was a real fever dream to write here are five humorous reasons why lizards are the "dogs" of the reptile world, especially when it comes to stealing chicken nuggets:
"Nugget Ninja Skills": Lizards may not have opposable thumbs, but they've mastered the art of stealthy snacking. Just like a sneaky dog stealing treats off the counter, lizards use their lightning-fast reflexes to swipe chicken nuggets when no one's looking.
"Tail-Wagging Excitement": Ever seen a lizard's tail wag with excitement? Okay, maybe not, but just imagine the sheer joy and anticipation as they eye up those golden nuggets of deliciousness. It's like watching a puppy waiting for its favorite treat—except with a lot more scales.
"Chicken Nugget Retrieval Training": Forget fetch—lizards are all about "nugget retrieval." Just like a well-trained dog, they'll stop at nothing to fetch their favorite snack, whether it's hidden under a heat lamp or tucked away in a terrarium.
"The Great Chicken Nugget Heist": Picture this: a daring lizard caper to steal the last chicken nugget from the plate. It's like a scene straight out of a heist movie, complete with suspenseful music and slow-motion replays of the epic snatch-and-dash.
"Man's (Reptile's) Best Friend": Move over, Fido—there's a new best friend in town, and it's a lizard with a taste for chicken nuggets. With their loyal companionship and insatiable appetite for fast food, lizards are the ultimate sidekick for any nugget-loving human.
"Nugget Ninja Skills": Lizards may not have opposable thumbs, but they've mastered the art of stealthy snacking. Just like a sneaky dog stealing treats off the counter, lizards use their lightning-fast reflexes to swipe chicken nuggets when no one's looking.
"Tail-Wagging Excitement": Ever seen a lizard's tail wag with excitement? Okay, maybe not, but just imagine the sheer joy and anticipation as they eye up those golden nuggets of deliciousness. It's like watching a puppy waiting for its favorite treat—except with a lot more scales.
"Chicken Nugget Retrieval Training": Forget fetch—lizards are all about "nugget retrieval." Just like a well-trained dog, they'll stop at nothing to fetch their favorite snack, whether it's hidden under a heat lamp or tucked away in a terrarium.
"The Great Chicken Nugget Heist": Picture this: a daring lizard caper to steal the last chicken nugget from the plate. It's like a scene straight out of a heist movie, complete with suspenseful music and slow-motion replays of the epic snatch-and-dash.
"Man's (Reptile's) Best Friend": Move over, Fido—there's a new best friend in town, and it's a lizard with a taste for chicken nuggets. With their loyal companionship and insatiable appetite for fast food, lizards are the ultimate sidekick for any nugget-loving human.
