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1 year ago
Dating is very hard
Take the initiative girls.
If you're dealing with one of the dumbest most oblivious people alive try these techniques:
Deploy the "Flirting for Dummies" Manual: Casually slip them a copy of "Flirting for Dummies" under the guise of recommending a good read. Maybe they'll get the hint, or at the very least, they'll have some entertaining bedtime reading.
Invent a Flirting Translator App: Pretend to furiously type away on your phone whenever you're flirting with them. When they ask what you're doing, tell them you're using your new invention—a Flirting Translator App—to decode their responses. Spoiler alert: it's just the Notes app with random gibberish.
Start a Flirting with Obvious Signals Club: Enlist their unwitting participation in a pretend club where you practice "subtle" flirting techniques. Cue exaggerated winks, finger guns, and overly dramatic hair flips. Bonus points if you print out membership cards.
Stage a "Flirting Intervention": Gather their friends and family for an "intervention" where you all hilariously reenact their missed flirting opportunities. Bonus points for costumes and props—maybe a giant neon sign that says "I'm flirting with you!"
Channel Your Inner Mime: Take a page from the silent comedians and communicate your flirtatious intentions through exaggerated gestures and facial expressions. It's like playing a game of charades, but with romance instead of movie titles.
If you're dealing with one of the dumbest most oblivious people alive try these techniques:
Deploy the "Flirting for Dummies" Manual: Casually slip them a copy of "Flirting for Dummies" under the guise of recommending a good read. Maybe they'll get the hint, or at the very least, they'll have some entertaining bedtime reading.
Invent a Flirting Translator App: Pretend to furiously type away on your phone whenever you're flirting with them. When they ask what you're doing, tell them you're using your new invention—a Flirting Translator App—to decode their responses. Spoiler alert: it's just the Notes app with random gibberish.
Start a Flirting with Obvious Signals Club: Enlist their unwitting participation in a pretend club where you practice "subtle" flirting techniques. Cue exaggerated winks, finger guns, and overly dramatic hair flips. Bonus points if you print out membership cards.
Stage a "Flirting Intervention": Gather their friends and family for an "intervention" where you all hilariously reenact their missed flirting opportunities. Bonus points for costumes and props—maybe a giant neon sign that says "I'm flirting with you!"
Channel Your Inner Mime: Take a page from the silent comedians and communicate your flirtatious intentions through exaggerated gestures and facial expressions. It's like playing a game of charades, but with romance instead of movie titles.
1 year ago
1 year ago
1 year ago
Just mechanic things
Blinker fluid's looking pretty low too. What other lies could a mechanic use to separate the technically challenged from their hard earned cash?
"The Turbocharged Timing Belt": "Your car's timing belt is specially designed to give it an extra boost of speed when you need it most. It's like a turbocharger for your engine! Of course, it'll cost a bit more to install, but trust me, you'll feel the difference."
"The Deluxe Diamond Oil Change": "Our premium oil change package includes a special blend of diamond-infused oil that's guaranteed to make your engine purr like a kitten. Sure, it's a bit pricier than regular oil, but think of it as an investment in your car's future."
"The High-Performance Headlight Fluid": "Did you know that your headlights need regular fluid changes to maintain their performance? Our special high-performance headlight fluid is designed to keep your lights shining bright, even on the darkest nights. It's a small price to pay for safety!"
"The Supercharged Spark Plug Service": "Upgrading to our supercharged spark plugs will give your car an extra jolt of power every time you hit the gas. Plus, they're guaranteed to last longer than regular spark plugs, so you won't have to worry about replacing them as often. It's like giving your car a caffeine boost!"
"The Titanium Tire Rotation": "Our titanium tire rotation service is the ultimate in tire care. We'll rotate your tires using specially engineered titanium tools that ensure a smoother ride and longer tire life. It's a bit more expensive than regular tire rotations, but trust me, your car will thank you for it."
"The Turbocharged Timing Belt": "Your car's timing belt is specially designed to give it an extra boost of speed when you need it most. It's like a turbocharger for your engine! Of course, it'll cost a bit more to install, but trust me, you'll feel the difference."
"The Deluxe Diamond Oil Change": "Our premium oil change package includes a special blend of diamond-infused oil that's guaranteed to make your engine purr like a kitten. Sure, it's a bit pricier than regular oil, but think of it as an investment in your car's future."
"The High-Performance Headlight Fluid": "Did you know that your headlights need regular fluid changes to maintain their performance? Our special high-performance headlight fluid is designed to keep your lights shining bright, even on the darkest nights. It's a small price to pay for safety!"
"The Supercharged Spark Plug Service": "Upgrading to our supercharged spark plugs will give your car an extra jolt of power every time you hit the gas. Plus, they're guaranteed to last longer than regular spark plugs, so you won't have to worry about replacing them as often. It's like giving your car a caffeine boost!"
"The Titanium Tire Rotation": "Our titanium tire rotation service is the ultimate in tire care. We'll rotate your tires using specially engineered titanium tools that ensure a smoother ride and longer tire life. It's a bit more expensive than regular tire rotations, but trust me, your car will thank you for it."
1 year ago
No opinion mentioned
Just a neurotic text message to his dentist. We recommend not discussing world politics with your dentist though. The gnomes in my basement texted me these reasons last night:
"The Flossing-Foreign Policy Paradox": Discussing international politics with your dentist may lead to a heated debate about the most effective foreign policy—while your mouth is wide open and full of dental tools. It's hard to floss when you're busy debating the nuances of diplomacy.
"The Root Canal Realpolitik": Your dentist might be more focused on drilling into your molars than debating global affairs. Attempting to discuss international politics mid-procedure could result in some unintended consequences—like a novocaine-induced rant about geopolitics.
"The Cavity-CIA Conspiracy": Your dentist may suspect that your interest in international politics is just a cover for gathering intelligence on their dental practice. Attempting to engage in a discussion about global affairs could result in them filling your head with more than just fluoride.
"The Plaque-Propaganda Paradox": Your dentist might have strong opinions about international politics, but they're too busy scraping plaque off your teeth to share them. Attempting to discuss global affairs could lead to some awkward moments—like trying to respond to a question with a mouthful of dental instruments.
"The Mouthguard-Militarism Mishap": Your dentist might be more interested in protecting your teeth than discussing international conflict. Attempting to engage them in a debate about geopolitics could lead to them recommending a mouthguard to protect against the grinding of teeth—yours and theirs.
"The Flossing-Foreign Policy Paradox": Discussing international politics with your dentist may lead to a heated debate about the most effective foreign policy—while your mouth is wide open and full of dental tools. It's hard to floss when you're busy debating the nuances of diplomacy.
"The Root Canal Realpolitik": Your dentist might be more focused on drilling into your molars than debating global affairs. Attempting to discuss international politics mid-procedure could result in some unintended consequences—like a novocaine-induced rant about geopolitics.
"The Cavity-CIA Conspiracy": Your dentist may suspect that your interest in international politics is just a cover for gathering intelligence on their dental practice. Attempting to engage in a discussion about global affairs could result in them filling your head with more than just fluoride.
"The Plaque-Propaganda Paradox": Your dentist might have strong opinions about international politics, but they're too busy scraping plaque off your teeth to share them. Attempting to discuss global affairs could lead to some awkward moments—like trying to respond to a question with a mouthful of dental instruments.
"The Mouthguard-Militarism Mishap": Your dentist might be more interested in protecting your teeth than discussing international conflict. Attempting to engage them in a debate about geopolitics could lead to them recommending a mouthguard to protect against the grinding of teeth—yours and theirs.
1 year ago
How to deal with unsolicited flirting
Pretty cheap for real rent, really expensive for digital rent. A great idea though, maybe unsolicited DM senders should pay rent! Here's 5 fun reasons why:
"The DM Landlord": Just like any landlord, you should be compensated for letting people move into your DMs. After all, you're providing prime real estate in the digital world—it's only fair that they chip in for the privilege!
"The Inbox Intrusion Fee": Think of it as an inbox intrusion fee. Every time someone slides into your DMs uninvited, they're essentially trespassing on your digital property. Charging rent is just a way to recoup the costs of dealing with their unsolicited messages.
"The Message Maintenance Tax": Maintaining your DMs takes time and effort. From sorting through spam to dealing with unwanted advances, it's a thankless task. Charging rent is a way to compensate for the emotional labor of managing your inbox.
"The Spam Surcharge": Unsolicited DMs are the digital equivalent of junk mail. Just like you wouldn't let someone dump their trash in your living room for free, you shouldn't have to deal with their digital garbage without compensation. Charging rent is a way to discourage spam and keep your DMs clean.
"The Privacy Protection Payment": Your DMs are your private digital sanctuary, and letting someone slide into them uninvited is like letting a stranger crash on your couch without asking. Charging rent is a way to assert your digital boundaries and protect your privacy. After all, if they want access to your DMs, they should be willing to pay for the privilege!
"The DM Landlord": Just like any landlord, you should be compensated for letting people move into your DMs. After all, you're providing prime real estate in the digital world—it's only fair that they chip in for the privilege!
"The Inbox Intrusion Fee": Think of it as an inbox intrusion fee. Every time someone slides into your DMs uninvited, they're essentially trespassing on your digital property. Charging rent is just a way to recoup the costs of dealing with their unsolicited messages.
"The Message Maintenance Tax": Maintaining your DMs takes time and effort. From sorting through spam to dealing with unwanted advances, it's a thankless task. Charging rent is a way to compensate for the emotional labor of managing your inbox.
"The Spam Surcharge": Unsolicited DMs are the digital equivalent of junk mail. Just like you wouldn't let someone dump their trash in your living room for free, you shouldn't have to deal with their digital garbage without compensation. Charging rent is a way to discourage spam and keep your DMs clean.
"The Privacy Protection Payment": Your DMs are your private digital sanctuary, and letting someone slide into them uninvited is like letting a stranger crash on your couch without asking. Charging rent is a way to assert your digital boundaries and protect your privacy. After all, if they want access to your DMs, they should be willing to pay for the privilege!
1 year ago
You had one job!
Don't give me any of "the van is empty" shit if you forget once you can forget more times
