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1 year ago
Imagine a guy saying that
So taking advantage of a drunk person is alright morally? News to me so I adjusted my entire worldview to encompass this new information. here are some fun ways you can take advantage of drunk people near you:
"The Inebriated Investment": Taking advantage of a drunk person is like finding money on the sidewalk—it's not stealing if they don't remember where they left it! Besides, they'll thank you later for the unforgettable experience you helped them have.
"The Boozy Bargain": When someone's had a few too many, it's like they're offering you a discount on their dignity. It's not exploitation; it's just savvy shopping! After all, who can resist a good deal?
"The Tipsy Tease": Taking advantage of a drunk person is like playing a game of "finders keepers" with their inhibitions. It's not manipulation; it's just a little harmless fun! Besides, they'll have a great story to tell once they sober up.
"The Soused Social Contract": When someone's had one too many, they've basically signed a contract agreeing to whatever happens next. It's not coercion; it's just following the terms and conditions of drunken camaraderie! And hey, they'll probably laugh about it in the morning.
"The Drunken Donation": Taking advantage of a drunk person is like accepting a generous gift from the universe. It's not exploitation; it's just redistributing the wealth of their poor decision-making! Plus, they'll never remember it anyway, so what's the harm?
"The Inebriated Investment": Taking advantage of a drunk person is like finding money on the sidewalk—it's not stealing if they don't remember where they left it! Besides, they'll thank you later for the unforgettable experience you helped them have.
"The Boozy Bargain": When someone's had a few too many, it's like they're offering you a discount on their dignity. It's not exploitation; it's just savvy shopping! After all, who can resist a good deal?
"The Tipsy Tease": Taking advantage of a drunk person is like playing a game of "finders keepers" with their inhibitions. It's not manipulation; it's just a little harmless fun! Besides, they'll have a great story to tell once they sober up.
"The Soused Social Contract": When someone's had one too many, they've basically signed a contract agreeing to whatever happens next. It's not coercion; it's just following the terms and conditions of drunken camaraderie! And hey, they'll probably laugh about it in the morning.
"The Drunken Donation": Taking advantage of a drunk person is like accepting a generous gift from the universe. It's not exploitation; it's just redistributing the wealth of their poor decision-making! Plus, they'll never remember it anyway, so what's the harm?
1 year ago
Friendship is hard work
Squirrel would get bored too unlike this persons friend who enjoys whimsical facts and questions in the middle of the night. As a person with as many friends as Zoidberg from Futurama I'd take a dead rat if it offered me any sort of companionship and warmth so I'm inclined to say having a friend who bothers you at 2 30 am is a good thing. Here's 5 reasons why:
"The Insomnia Improv": Who needs sleep when you have friends who turn late-night chats into impromptu comedy shows? With their hilarious antics and never-ending banter, they'll have you laughing until the wee hours of the morning—and who needs sleep when you're having this much fun?
"The Midnight Munchies Madness": When your friends are night owls, every midnight snack run turns into a culinary adventure. Whether it's raiding the fridge for leftovers or embarking on a quest for the perfect slice of pizza, they'll keep your stomach—and your spirits—satisfied well past bedtime.
"The Slumber Party Shakedown": With friends who keep you up at night, every sleepover is an epic saga of secrets, silliness, and shared memories. From pillow fights to prank calls, they turn mundane evenings into unforgettable adventures—and who needs sleep when you're busy making memories?
"The Twilight Time Travelers": With friends who keep you up at night, every conversation is a journey through time and space. From debating the meaning of life to dissecting the plot holes in your favorite movies, they'll take you on a whirlwind tour of the universe—and who needs sleep when you're busy exploring the cosmos?
"The Insomniac Innovators": When your friends are night owls, every late-night brainstorming session is a stroke of genius waiting to happen. With their creative energy and boundless enthusiasm, they'll inspire you to dream bigger, laugh louder, and stay up way past your bedtime—and who needs sleep when you're busy changing the world?
"The Insomnia Improv": Who needs sleep when you have friends who turn late-night chats into impromptu comedy shows? With their hilarious antics and never-ending banter, they'll have you laughing until the wee hours of the morning—and who needs sleep when you're having this much fun?
"The Midnight Munchies Madness": When your friends are night owls, every midnight snack run turns into a culinary adventure. Whether it's raiding the fridge for leftovers or embarking on a quest for the perfect slice of pizza, they'll keep your stomach—and your spirits—satisfied well past bedtime.
"The Slumber Party Shakedown": With friends who keep you up at night, every sleepover is an epic saga of secrets, silliness, and shared memories. From pillow fights to prank calls, they turn mundane evenings into unforgettable adventures—and who needs sleep when you're busy making memories?
"The Twilight Time Travelers": With friends who keep you up at night, every conversation is a journey through time and space. From debating the meaning of life to dissecting the plot holes in your favorite movies, they'll take you on a whirlwind tour of the universe—and who needs sleep when you're busy exploring the cosmos?
"The Insomniac Innovators": When your friends are night owls, every late-night brainstorming session is a stroke of genius waiting to happen. With their creative energy and boundless enthusiasm, they'll inspire you to dream bigger, laugh louder, and stay up way past your bedtime—and who needs sleep when you're busy changing the world?
1 year ago
Telling the hard truths
I hope their mom never showed them that though.
Here are five humorous yet inappropriate topics a mother might not typically teach her daughter about:
"The Art of Seductive Sock Folding": While mothers might teach their daughters how to fold laundry, they probably won't delve into the intricacies of folding socks in a way that could be perceived as provocative. No one needs to learn the "sexy sock fold" technique!
"Advanced Pillow Talk 101": While it's important for parents to educate their children about healthy communication in relationships, specific tips for enhancing pillow talk might be a bit too much information coming from mom.
"The Kama Sutra of Kitchen Gadgets": Explaining the uses of kitchen tools is one thing, but turning it into a playful discussion of alternative uses or positions might be crossing a line. No need for mom to demonstrate the "spatula surprise"!
"Bedroom Decor: Boudoir vs. Brothel": Mothers might offer advice on decorating a bedroom for comfort and style, but they're unlikely to provide tips on creating an atmosphere that's more suited for a romantic rendezvous in a French bordello.
"The ABCs of Adult Toy Maintenance": While teaching the importance of cleaning and maintaining household items is crucial, delving into the specific care instructions for certain adult toys is definitely a conversation best left for other sources.
Here are five humorous yet inappropriate topics a mother might not typically teach her daughter about:
"The Art of Seductive Sock Folding": While mothers might teach their daughters how to fold laundry, they probably won't delve into the intricacies of folding socks in a way that could be perceived as provocative. No one needs to learn the "sexy sock fold" technique!
"Advanced Pillow Talk 101": While it's important for parents to educate their children about healthy communication in relationships, specific tips for enhancing pillow talk might be a bit too much information coming from mom.
"The Kama Sutra of Kitchen Gadgets": Explaining the uses of kitchen tools is one thing, but turning it into a playful discussion of alternative uses or positions might be crossing a line. No need for mom to demonstrate the "spatula surprise"!
"Bedroom Decor: Boudoir vs. Brothel": Mothers might offer advice on decorating a bedroom for comfort and style, but they're unlikely to provide tips on creating an atmosphere that's more suited for a romantic rendezvous in a French bordello.
"The ABCs of Adult Toy Maintenance": While teaching the importance of cleaning and maintaining household items is crucial, delving into the specific care instructions for certain adult toys is definitely a conversation best left for other sources.
1 year ago
A strategic misstep
She probably suspects way worse now. I asked our intern Kyle to write 5 possible stories but since he's spent like 7 years in the bighouse they all came out jail related.
Yes we hire ex-cons take that ESG scores!
"The Mastermind Mishap": You were once known as the infamous "Socks Bandit" for stealing pairs of socks from every laundromat in town. Your girlfriend might think twice about leaving her favorite socks unattended now!
"The Great Escape Episode": You were briefly incarcerated for attempting to break out of an amusement park haunted house because you were convinced it was a real prison. Your girlfriend might worry about your problem-solving skills (or lack thereof) in sticky situations.
"The Celebrity Cellmate Caper": You once claimed to have been cellmates with a famous celebrity during your brief stint in jail, only to later admit it was just a cardboard cutout of them in the visitor's room. Your girlfriend might question your grasp on reality (and your taste in friends).
"The Tattoo Taboo": You got a tattoo in jail of your favorite cartoon character, only to realize too late that it was misspelled. Your girlfriend might wonder if you're still struggling with basic literacy (or just have a questionable taste in body art).
"The Prison Performance Ploy": You were briefly known as the "Singing Serenader" for your attempts to start a jailhouse boy band. Your girlfriend might be concerned about your career aspirations (and your singing voice).
Yes we hire ex-cons take that ESG scores!
"The Mastermind Mishap": You were once known as the infamous "Socks Bandit" for stealing pairs of socks from every laundromat in town. Your girlfriend might think twice about leaving her favorite socks unattended now!
"The Great Escape Episode": You were briefly incarcerated for attempting to break out of an amusement park haunted house because you were convinced it was a real prison. Your girlfriend might worry about your problem-solving skills (or lack thereof) in sticky situations.
"The Celebrity Cellmate Caper": You once claimed to have been cellmates with a famous celebrity during your brief stint in jail, only to later admit it was just a cardboard cutout of them in the visitor's room. Your girlfriend might question your grasp on reality (and your taste in friends).
"The Tattoo Taboo": You got a tattoo in jail of your favorite cartoon character, only to realize too late that it was misspelled. Your girlfriend might wonder if you're still struggling with basic literacy (or just have a questionable taste in body art).
"The Prison Performance Ploy": You were briefly known as the "Singing Serenader" for your attempts to start a jailhouse boy band. Your girlfriend might be concerned about your career aspirations (and your singing voice).
1 year ago
Attitude stays in
Wish it could go away but it stays. Why does it though? Shouldn't your body be able to purge toxic things from itself? We asked an alcoholic riding a donkey and he came up with these reasons why you can't vomit out a bad attitude:
"The Sour Stomach Syndrome:" Trying to vomit out a bad attitude is like expecting your stomach to turn into a therapist's couch—it's just not equipped to handle emotional baggage. Instead of purging negativity, you're more likely to end up with heartburn and a whole new set of problems to worry about.
"The Bitter Belch Backfire:" Attempting to vomit out a bad attitude is like trying to belch out your inner demons—it might provide temporary relief, but it's not a long-term solution. Instead of exorcising negativity, you're more likely to just make everyone within earshot uncomfortable and slightly nauseous.
"The Cranky Cough-Up Conundrum:" Trying to vomit out a bad attitude is like expecting your body to cough up a hairball—it's messy, unpleasant, and probably not going to solve anything. Instead of expelling negativity, you're more likely to just end up with a sore throat and a lingering sense of bitterness.
"The Pessimistic Projectile Problem:" Attempting to vomit out a bad attitude is like trying to projectile vomit your way to positivity—it's messy, ineffective, and likely to leave a trail of destruction in its wake. Instead of cleansing your soul, you're more likely to just traumatize everyone within a five-foot radius and ruin the carpet.
"The Grouchy Gag Reflex:" Trying to vomit out a bad attitude is like expecting your body to reject negativity like a bad oyster—it's wishful thinking at best and downright foolish at worst. Instead of purging toxicity, you're more likely to just trigger your gag reflex and end up feeling even worse than before.
"The Sour Stomach Syndrome:" Trying to vomit out a bad attitude is like expecting your stomach to turn into a therapist's couch—it's just not equipped to handle emotional baggage. Instead of purging negativity, you're more likely to end up with heartburn and a whole new set of problems to worry about.
"The Bitter Belch Backfire:" Attempting to vomit out a bad attitude is like trying to belch out your inner demons—it might provide temporary relief, but it's not a long-term solution. Instead of exorcising negativity, you're more likely to just make everyone within earshot uncomfortable and slightly nauseous.
"The Cranky Cough-Up Conundrum:" Trying to vomit out a bad attitude is like expecting your body to cough up a hairball—it's messy, unpleasant, and probably not going to solve anything. Instead of expelling negativity, you're more likely to just end up with a sore throat and a lingering sense of bitterness.
"The Pessimistic Projectile Problem:" Attempting to vomit out a bad attitude is like trying to projectile vomit your way to positivity—it's messy, ineffective, and likely to leave a trail of destruction in its wake. Instead of cleansing your soul, you're more likely to just traumatize everyone within a five-foot radius and ruin the carpet.
"The Grouchy Gag Reflex:" Trying to vomit out a bad attitude is like expecting your body to reject negativity like a bad oyster—it's wishful thinking at best and downright foolish at worst. Instead of purging toxicity, you're more likely to just trigger your gag reflex and end up feeling even worse than before.
1 year ago
1 year ago
