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2 years ago
A strategic misstep
She probably suspects way worse now. I asked our intern Kyle to write 5 possible stories but since he's spent like 7 years in the bighouse they all came out jail related.
Yes we hire ex-cons take that ESG scores!
"The Mastermind Mishap": You were once known as the infamous "Socks Bandit" for stealing pairs of socks from every laundromat in town. Your girlfriend might think twice about leaving her favorite socks unattended now!
"The Great Escape Episode": You were briefly incarcerated for attempting to break out of an amusement park haunted house because you were convinced it was a real prison. Your girlfriend might worry about your problem-solving skills (or lack thereof) in sticky situations.
"The Celebrity Cellmate Caper": You once claimed to have been cellmates with a famous celebrity during your brief stint in jail, only to later admit it was just a cardboard cutout of them in the visitor's room. Your girlfriend might question your grasp on reality (and your taste in friends).
"The Tattoo Taboo": You got a tattoo in jail of your favorite cartoon character, only to realize too late that it was misspelled. Your girlfriend might wonder if you're still struggling with basic literacy (or just have a questionable taste in body art).
"The Prison Performance Ploy": You were briefly known as the "Singing Serenader" for your attempts to start a jailhouse boy band. Your girlfriend might be concerned about your career aspirations (and your singing voice).
Yes we hire ex-cons take that ESG scores!
"The Mastermind Mishap": You were once known as the infamous "Socks Bandit" for stealing pairs of socks from every laundromat in town. Your girlfriend might think twice about leaving her favorite socks unattended now!
"The Great Escape Episode": You were briefly incarcerated for attempting to break out of an amusement park haunted house because you were convinced it was a real prison. Your girlfriend might worry about your problem-solving skills (or lack thereof) in sticky situations.
"The Celebrity Cellmate Caper": You once claimed to have been cellmates with a famous celebrity during your brief stint in jail, only to later admit it was just a cardboard cutout of them in the visitor's room. Your girlfriend might question your grasp on reality (and your taste in friends).
"The Tattoo Taboo": You got a tattoo in jail of your favorite cartoon character, only to realize too late that it was misspelled. Your girlfriend might wonder if you're still struggling with basic literacy (or just have a questionable taste in body art).
"The Prison Performance Ploy": You were briefly known as the "Singing Serenader" for your attempts to start a jailhouse boy band. Your girlfriend might be concerned about your career aspirations (and your singing voice).
2 years ago
Recognizable branding
Not the case you'd want to be associated with ad a brand though
Have 5 other illegal ways to fill up your belly
The "Supermarket Sweep": Join a local supermarket's midnight "self-checkout Olympics," where participants see who can scan the most items in under a minute without paying. Just be prepared to outrun security!
The "Pigeon Picnic": Organize a "catch-and-release" pigeon hunting expedition in the city park, complete with homemade nets and bread crumbs as bait. Just don't get caught by the birdwatching brigade!
The "Trash Can Treasure Hunt": Dumpster dive behind fancy restaurants in search of discarded gourmet meals. Who needs a reservation when you've got a nose for leftovers?
The "Midnight Munchie Mansion Break-in": Break into your neighbor's house under the cover of darkness and raid their fridge for snacks. Just hope they have better taste than expired yogurt and mystery meatloaf!
The "Culinary Kleptomania": Develop a taste for fine dining without the bill by "sampling" gourmet meals from high-end restaurants and making a swift exit before the check arrives. Just be prepared to dine and dash – literally!
Have 5 other illegal ways to fill up your belly
The "Supermarket Sweep": Join a local supermarket's midnight "self-checkout Olympics," where participants see who can scan the most items in under a minute without paying. Just be prepared to outrun security!
The "Pigeon Picnic": Organize a "catch-and-release" pigeon hunting expedition in the city park, complete with homemade nets and bread crumbs as bait. Just don't get caught by the birdwatching brigade!
The "Trash Can Treasure Hunt": Dumpster dive behind fancy restaurants in search of discarded gourmet meals. Who needs a reservation when you've got a nose for leftovers?
The "Midnight Munchie Mansion Break-in": Break into your neighbor's house under the cover of darkness and raid their fridge for snacks. Just hope they have better taste than expired yogurt and mystery meatloaf!
The "Culinary Kleptomania": Develop a taste for fine dining without the bill by "sampling" gourmet meals from high-end restaurants and making a swift exit before the check arrives. Just be prepared to dine and dash – literally!
1 year ago
2 years ago
Can't have shit in Detroit
The city is not specified i'm just assuming but here are a few other things that definitely got stolen in Detroit:
"The Elusive Patio Furniture Pilfering": Imagine waking up to find your entire patio set missing from your backyard. Not just the chairs or the table—everything, from the umbrella to the barbecue grill! How the thieves managed to sneak away with such bulky items without anyone noticing remains a head-scratcher for the ages.
"The Curious Case of the Absent Air Conditioners": In the midst of a scorching summer, residents were left sweating bullets when their window air conditioners mysteriously vanished overnight. The logistics of hauling these heavy units out of apartment windows without anyone hearing—or feeling—the commotion boggle the mind.
"The Great Garden Hose Heist": Picture this: an entire neighborhood's worth of garden hoses disappearing without a trace. The culprits must have been masters of stealth to make off with these unwieldy, snaking tubes of rubber undetected. How they managed to wrangle them into a getaway car is anyone's guess!
"The Vanishing Vacuum Cleaner Vendetta": Vacuum cleaners may not seem like the most glamorous targets for theft, but try telling that to the residents who woke up to find their trusty cleaning companions missing from their closets. Maneuvering these bulky appliances through narrow hallways and down flights of stairs without raising suspicion is no small feat.
"The Mysterious Mattress Mystery": In a puzzling turn of events, an entire apartment building's worth of mattresses disappeared overnight, leaving residents scratching their heads—and their backs—in confusion. The logistics of sneaking these unwieldy sleep surfaces out of cramped urban dwellings without arousing suspicion defy all logic.
"The Elusive Patio Furniture Pilfering": Imagine waking up to find your entire patio set missing from your backyard. Not just the chairs or the table—everything, from the umbrella to the barbecue grill! How the thieves managed to sneak away with such bulky items without anyone noticing remains a head-scratcher for the ages.
"The Curious Case of the Absent Air Conditioners": In the midst of a scorching summer, residents were left sweating bullets when their window air conditioners mysteriously vanished overnight. The logistics of hauling these heavy units out of apartment windows without anyone hearing—or feeling—the commotion boggle the mind.
"The Great Garden Hose Heist": Picture this: an entire neighborhood's worth of garden hoses disappearing without a trace. The culprits must have been masters of stealth to make off with these unwieldy, snaking tubes of rubber undetected. How they managed to wrangle them into a getaway car is anyone's guess!
"The Vanishing Vacuum Cleaner Vendetta": Vacuum cleaners may not seem like the most glamorous targets for theft, but try telling that to the residents who woke up to find their trusty cleaning companions missing from their closets. Maneuvering these bulky appliances through narrow hallways and down flights of stairs without raising suspicion is no small feat.
"The Mysterious Mattress Mystery": In a puzzling turn of events, an entire apartment building's worth of mattresses disappeared overnight, leaving residents scratching their heads—and their backs—in confusion. The logistics of sneaking these unwieldy sleep surfaces out of cramped urban dwellings without arousing suspicion defy all logic.
2 years ago
God of War is a good game though
Wish we knew if he realized after he was done lore dumping. Who knows maybe God Of War is simply better then sex? We've explored the possibly:
"No Need for Foreplay—Just Press Start": With God of War, there's no need to worry about candles, mood lighting, or romantic music—just fire up your console and press start. Who needs foreplay when you can dive straight into an epic adventure filled with gods, monsters, and epic battles?
"Multiple Endings, No Strings Attached": Unlike sex, where the ending is usually predetermined, God of War offers multiple endings and branching storylines. Whether you prefer a happy ending or a tragic one, there's something for everyone in this epic saga—no strings attached.
"You Can Skip the Pillow Talk and Go Straight to Epic Boss Fights": Who needs post-coital cuddling when you can skip straight to the adrenaline-pumping action of epic boss fights? With God of War, you can trade sweet nothings for epic showdowns with mythical creatures and vengeful gods.
"No Performance Anxiety—Just Epic Gameplay": Worried about performance anxiety ruining the mood? With God of War, there's no need to stress about your performance—just focus on mastering the game's combat mechanics and unleashing devastating combos on your enemies.
"You Can Pause for Snacks Without Ruining the Moment": Ever tried to pause sex for a snack break? It's awkward, to say the least. But with God of War, you can pause the action at any time to grab a snack, take a bathroom break, or answer the door without ruining the moment. It's the ultimate convenience for hungry gamers everywhere.
"No Need for Foreplay—Just Press Start": With God of War, there's no need to worry about candles, mood lighting, or romantic music—just fire up your console and press start. Who needs foreplay when you can dive straight into an epic adventure filled with gods, monsters, and epic battles?
"Multiple Endings, No Strings Attached": Unlike sex, where the ending is usually predetermined, God of War offers multiple endings and branching storylines. Whether you prefer a happy ending or a tragic one, there's something for everyone in this epic saga—no strings attached.
"You Can Skip the Pillow Talk and Go Straight to Epic Boss Fights": Who needs post-coital cuddling when you can skip straight to the adrenaline-pumping action of epic boss fights? With God of War, you can trade sweet nothings for epic showdowns with mythical creatures and vengeful gods.
"No Performance Anxiety—Just Epic Gameplay": Worried about performance anxiety ruining the mood? With God of War, there's no need to stress about your performance—just focus on mastering the game's combat mechanics and unleashing devastating combos on your enemies.
"You Can Pause for Snacks Without Ruining the Moment": Ever tried to pause sex for a snack break? It's awkward, to say the least. But with God of War, you can pause the action at any time to grab a snack, take a bathroom break, or answer the door without ruining the moment. It's the ultimate convenience for hungry gamers everywhere.
2 years ago
Emo Nostalgia Critic
Remember when he didn't suck? Well he does now! So we imagined some one liners he'd say if he were a vampire slayer:
"Hey Dracula, you know what's better than sucking blood? Sucking at being immortal!"
"Count Chocula? More like Count...choke-ula! Bet you can't handle my stake!"
"Vampires? More like vam-pyres, am I right? They're so thirsty, they make Tinder look like a desert!"
"You think you're immortal? Well, I've got news for you, buddy! I'll stake you so hard, you'll feel it for centuries!"
"Forget stakes, I've got bad movies so steamy, they'll make even the undead blush!"
"Hey Dracula, you know what's better than sucking blood? Sucking at being immortal!"
"Count Chocula? More like Count...choke-ula! Bet you can't handle my stake!"
"Vampires? More like vam-pyres, am I right? They're so thirsty, they make Tinder look like a desert!"
"You think you're immortal? Well, I've got news for you, buddy! I'll stake you so hard, you'll feel it for centuries!"
"Forget stakes, I've got bad movies so steamy, they'll make even the undead blush!"
1 year ago
