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1 year ago
Waking up sucks anyway
More fun when you both sleep in
Here are five funny reasons why your girlfriend might wake you up:
The "Dream Interpreter": She's convinced that your dream about being chased by a giant marshmallow means you secretly desire a s'mores-themed vacation.
The "Pillow Thief": She's caught you in the act of stealing all the pillows in your sleep and wants to negotiate a fair distribution before she ends up pillow-less.
The "Midnight Munchies Monitor": She's caught you sleepwalking to the fridge again, and this time, you're eating peanut butter straight from the jar with a spatula.
The "Snoring Symphony": She's decided to join in on your nightly duet, harmonizing with your snores in an attempt to create a new hit single titled "The Snorechestra."
The "Blanket Bandit": She's found you cocooned in the bed sheets like a human burrito and wants to make sure you haven't accidentally transformed into a caterpillar overnight.
Here are five funny reasons why your girlfriend might wake you up:
The "Dream Interpreter": She's convinced that your dream about being chased by a giant marshmallow means you secretly desire a s'mores-themed vacation.
The "Pillow Thief": She's caught you in the act of stealing all the pillows in your sleep and wants to negotiate a fair distribution before she ends up pillow-less.
The "Midnight Munchies Monitor": She's caught you sleepwalking to the fridge again, and this time, you're eating peanut butter straight from the jar with a spatula.
The "Snoring Symphony": She's decided to join in on your nightly duet, harmonizing with your snores in an attempt to create a new hit single titled "The Snorechestra."
The "Blanket Bandit": She's found you cocooned in the bed sheets like a human burrito and wants to make sure you haven't accidentally transformed into a caterpillar overnight.
1 year ago
1 year ago
1 year ago
Bear WITH him!
*chuckles* I'm in danger. Though it's clear it's too late for this guy keep these methods of Ursine SOS in mind if you're ever in this type of predicament :
"The Ursine SOS:" Use the classic international signal for distress—wave your arms frantically while shouting "Help! I'm being held hostage by a bear!" Bonus points if you can incorporate some interpretive dance moves to really drive your point home.
"The Bear-y Obvious Distress Call:" If you're lucky enough to have access to your phone, send a text to your friends and family with the urgent message "SOS: Bear-napped! Send help ASAP!" It might sound like a joke, but trust us—nobody wants to mess with a bear.
"The Morse Code Mauling:" If you're feeling creative (and you happen to know Morse code), use your flashlight to send an SOS signal in bear language. Just be sure to brush up on your bear dialect first—you don't want to accidentally insult their intelligence.
"The Subtle Scream:" If all else fails, resort to the tried-and-true method of screaming your head off while flailing wildly. Sure, it might not be the most subtle approach, but desperate times call for desperate measures—and nothing says "I'm being held hostage by a bear" like a blood-curdling scream.
"The Bear-y Detailed Sign Language:" If you're a master of nonverbal communication, use your hands to signal for help in bear language. Wave your arms in a frantic manner while making exaggerated bear claw motions, and hope that someone nearby understands your plight—or at least calls animal control.
"The Ursine SOS:" Use the classic international signal for distress—wave your arms frantically while shouting "Help! I'm being held hostage by a bear!" Bonus points if you can incorporate some interpretive dance moves to really drive your point home.
"The Bear-y Obvious Distress Call:" If you're lucky enough to have access to your phone, send a text to your friends and family with the urgent message "SOS: Bear-napped! Send help ASAP!" It might sound like a joke, but trust us—nobody wants to mess with a bear.
"The Morse Code Mauling:" If you're feeling creative (and you happen to know Morse code), use your flashlight to send an SOS signal in bear language. Just be sure to brush up on your bear dialect first—you don't want to accidentally insult their intelligence.
"The Subtle Scream:" If all else fails, resort to the tried-and-true method of screaming your head off while flailing wildly. Sure, it might not be the most subtle approach, but desperate times call for desperate measures—and nothing says "I'm being held hostage by a bear" like a blood-curdling scream.
"The Bear-y Detailed Sign Language:" If you're a master of nonverbal communication, use your hands to signal for help in bear language. Wave your arms in a frantic manner while making exaggerated bear claw motions, and hope that someone nearby understands your plight—or at least calls animal control.
1 year ago
Fail Financial Advice
...don't listen to him they trained him wrong as a joke
If you actually want to end up in debt here are five pieces of hilariously terrible financial advice:
Invest All Your Savings in Beanie Babies: Beanie Babies are sure to make a comeback any day now, right? So why not invest your life savings in rare and collectible plush toys? Just imagine the returns when the Beanie Baby bubble inevitably bursts!
Max Out Your Credit Cards on Lottery Tickets: Who needs boring old savings accounts when you could strike it rich with the lottery? Max out your credit cards on lottery tickets and cross your fingers for that jackpot win. What could possibly go wrong?
Start Your Own Cryptocurrency: Move over Bitcoin, it's time to launch your own cryptocurrency! With just a few clicks and some flashy marketing, you'll be rolling in digital riches in no time. Just ignore the fact that 99% of cryptocurrencies are doomed to fail.
Take Out a Second Mortgage to Buy NFTs: Non-fungible tokens (NFTs) are all the rage these days, so why not mortgage your house to buy some digital artwork? After all, who needs shelter when you could own a virtual cat meme worth millions?
Day Trade Your Life Savings: Why wait years for your investments to grow when you could day trade your life savings for instant riches? Just follow the advice of that guy on Reddit who claims to have made millions in a week. What could possibly go wrong?
If you actually want to end up in debt here are five pieces of hilariously terrible financial advice:
Invest All Your Savings in Beanie Babies: Beanie Babies are sure to make a comeback any day now, right? So why not invest your life savings in rare and collectible plush toys? Just imagine the returns when the Beanie Baby bubble inevitably bursts!
Max Out Your Credit Cards on Lottery Tickets: Who needs boring old savings accounts when you could strike it rich with the lottery? Max out your credit cards on lottery tickets and cross your fingers for that jackpot win. What could possibly go wrong?
Start Your Own Cryptocurrency: Move over Bitcoin, it's time to launch your own cryptocurrency! With just a few clicks and some flashy marketing, you'll be rolling in digital riches in no time. Just ignore the fact that 99% of cryptocurrencies are doomed to fail.
Take Out a Second Mortgage to Buy NFTs: Non-fungible tokens (NFTs) are all the rage these days, so why not mortgage your house to buy some digital artwork? After all, who needs shelter when you could own a virtual cat meme worth millions?
Day Trade Your Life Savings: Why wait years for your investments to grow when you could day trade your life savings for instant riches? Just follow the advice of that guy on Reddit who claims to have made millions in a week. What could possibly go wrong?
1 year ago
Took you a while
We all get what we can, which isn't that great for most (unlike me i love my girlfriend) but dating is a hellscape of toxic behavior for a lot of people and here are some examples:
"Dating today is like navigating a minefield... but instead of mines, it's filled with commitment-phobes and ghosters. Who needs explosions when you can have emotional implosions?"
"In the current dating world, finding 'the one' feels more like trying to find Waldo in a sea of Tinder profiles. Who needs a needle in a haystack when you can have a pixelated face in a sea of selfies?"
"Dating apps have turned courtship into a shopping spree... swipe left, swipe right, and hope you don't end up with buyer's remorse. Who needs a soulmate when you can have a coupon for a one-night stand?"
"Modern dating is like a twisted game of musical chairs... except the music never stops, and there's always one less chair than there are players. Who needs romance when you can have a competitive sport?"
"Dating today is like being a contestant on a never-ending reality show... constantly auditioning for love, only to be voted off the island without warning. Who needs roses when you can have rejection?"
"Dating today is like navigating a minefield... but instead of mines, it's filled with commitment-phobes and ghosters. Who needs explosions when you can have emotional implosions?"
"In the current dating world, finding 'the one' feels more like trying to find Waldo in a sea of Tinder profiles. Who needs a needle in a haystack when you can have a pixelated face in a sea of selfies?"
"Dating apps have turned courtship into a shopping spree... swipe left, swipe right, and hope you don't end up with buyer's remorse. Who needs a soulmate when you can have a coupon for a one-night stand?"
"Modern dating is like a twisted game of musical chairs... except the music never stops, and there's always one less chair than there are players. Who needs romance when you can have a competitive sport?"
"Dating today is like being a contestant on a never-ending reality show... constantly auditioning for love, only to be voted off the island without warning. Who needs roses when you can have rejection?"
1 year ago
